Inside Jokes / Recent Jokes
BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES... THEY COULD COME IN HANDY
A repeat offender got a life sentence for a small-time shoplifting caper in Jupiter, Florida. The man stole $49. 73 worth of boxer shorts, panties, a sports bra and some cigarette lighters from a Wal-Mart store. His fatal mistake was flashing a knife at a security guard -- which turned his petty theft into a felony. Since the man had been released from prison less than three years ago, Florida`s repeat offender law required the judge to send him away for life without the possibility of parole.
INSULT TO INJURY
An unemployed sanitation worker in Miami is also facing life in prison -- for shooting himself in the privates. In a drunken stupor, the man reached for a pistol he had hidden in his pants. The gun went off, and the bullet struck the man in the... nuggets. At first, he told officers someone else had shot him, but changed his story after paramedics found the shell casing in his underwear. Cops ruled the more...
'Twas the night before Chanukah, as it is said
And Santa was sitting and hocking his head
He had all the toys wrapped up nice in his zeckel
For maidlach and boys to give each one a peckel
The reindeer were saddled and ready to fly
Like a crew of brave astronauts all through the sky
But Santa was starving to eat a good meichel
Some regular food that would stick to his beichel
Not plum cakes or mincemeat or peppermint candy
But some kosher cooking he thought would be dandy
So he called to his reindeer, "Hey, kinder, let's go
To a Jewish balbusta and don't be so slow."
The house had no chimney, so he went through the door
And kissed the mezzuzah and jumped on the floor
Then the man of the house said, "Santa you devil
Come on, don't be shy and see our split level
The night is still early, there's plenty of zeit
So come in the den and please have a bite
If only we knew you were coming, more...
There was this woman who was a big boxing fan, so she went to the tattoo parlor and told the guy that she wanted a picture of Mike Tyson tattooed on the inside of one thigh, and a picture of Evander Holifield tattooed on the inside of the other thigh.
Several hours later, he announces that he's finished. She looks down at his work, but does not think that the tattoos resemble either fighter, so she decides to get a second opinion.
She asks another customer in the shop, "Are you a Boxing fan?"
"Yes" the man replied.
"Well, could you come inside for a second and answer a question for me?" she asked.
So they go inside the office and she opens her legs and asks, "Does this look like Mike Tyson and does this look like Holifield?"
The man bends over and takes a good, long look and says, "I don't know about Tyson and Holifield, but the one in the middle sure does look like Don King! "
A GUJJU FAMILY IN GUJARAT WAS PUZZLED WHEN THE COFFIN OF THEIR DEAD MOTHER ARRIVED FROM THE US. IT WAS SENT BY ONE OF THE DAUGHTERS.
THE DEAD BODY WAS SO TIGHTLY SQUEEZED INSIDE THE COFFIN, WITH NO SPACE LEFT IN IT. WHEN THEY OPENED THE LID, THEY FOUND A LETTER ON TOP, WHICH READ AS FOLLOWS:
DEAR BROTHERS AND SISTERS,
I AM SENDING OUR MOTHER'S BODY TO YOU, SINCE IT WAS HER WISH THAT SHE SOULD BE CREMATED IN THE COMPOUND OF OUR ANCESTRAL HOME IN GUJRAT. SORRY, I COULD NOT COME ALONG AS ALL OF MY PAID LEAVES ARE CONSUMED.
YOU WILL FIND INSIDE THE COFFIN, UNDER BA'S BODY, 12 CANS OF CHEESE, 10 PACKETS OF CHOCOLATES AND 8 PACKETS OF BADAM. PLEASE DIVIDE THESE AMONG ALL OF YOU.
ON BA'S FEET YOU WILL FIND A NEWPAIR OF REEBOK SHOES (SIZE 10) FOR MOHAN. ALSO, THERE ARE 2 PAIRS OF SHOES FOR RADHA'S AND LAKSHMI'S SONS.
HOPE THE SIZES ARE CORRECT. BA IS WEARING 6 AMERICAN T-SHIRTS. THE LARGE SIZE IS FOR MOHAN AND THE OTHERS ARE FOR MY NEPHEWS. JUST DISTRIBUTE THEM more...
MASSIVE TUMOUR
In October 1991, surgeons at Stanford University Hospital removed an ovarian tumour weighing over 21 stone from a woman. It was the largest cyst ever detached from a human being. After the operation, the woman weighed 5 stone LESS than the tumour.
BABY CHICKEN
A 50 year old woman was brought into a New York emergency room complaining of abdominal pains. During an examination, doctors found that the woman's labia were pinned together with old safety pins. Further inside, they found the dismembered body of a chicken. The woman explained that she inserted the chicken pieces, convinced that they would grow into a baby.
INNER SKELETON
A 63 year old widow was admitted to hospital in Recife, Brazil suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20 inch long skeleton of a foetus which she conceived a decade earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from more...
Josh was helping Cheryl, the blonde, clean out the trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit". Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside. Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Cheryl what it was for.She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit."Josh said, "I can see that, but why?"Cheryl replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tires."
What to do With Hotel Soap
The following letters were taken from an actual incident
between a London hotel and one of its guests.
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom
since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six
unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another
three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her
day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you
requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top
of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This
leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the
management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
Dear more...