Insane Jokes

An inmate at the insane asylum was being examined for possible release. The first question the examining doctor asked was: "What are you going to do when you leave this institution?"
"I'm gonna get me a sling shot," said the patient, "and I'm gonna come back here and break every goddam window in the place!"
After six more months of treatment, the patient was again brought before the examining doctor for possible dismissal, and the same question was put to him.
"Well, I'm going to get a job," the patient replied.
"Fine," said the doctor. "Then what?"
"I'm going to rent an apartment."
"Very good."
"Then I'm going to meet a beautiful girl."
"Excellent."
"I'm going to take the beautiful girl up to my apartment and I'm going to pull up her skirt."
"Normal, perfectly normal."
"Then I'm gonna steal her garter, make more...

Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted,"I am Napoleon!"Another one said, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "God told me!"Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"

Cesium's Strange
(Tune, People are strange - The Doors)
Cesium's strange,
when you're a stranger
Consummate danger,
ready to blow.
Water is wicked,
wet and unwanted,
Folks are unfriendly,
when you glow.
Don't take it out in the rain.
You're insane!
You're insane!
Don't you remember the pain?
You're insane!
You're insane!
You're insane -
Cesium's strange,
pregnant with danger,
Hand the next stranger
a kilo or two.
Pour on the water,
lamb at the slaughter,
Bathe in the light
that is blue, sky-blue!
Don't take it out in the rain.
You're insane!
You're insane!
You'll always remember the pain.
You're insane!
You're insane!
You're insane -
- Songs of Cesium #13

Cesium's Strange
(Tune, People are strange - The Doors)

Cesium's strange,
when you're a stranger
Consummate danger,
ready to blow.
Water is wicked,
wet and unwanted,
Folks are unfriendly,
when you glow.

Don't take it out in the rain.
You're insane!
You're insane!
Don't you remember the pain?
You're insane!
You're insane!
You're insane ---
Cesium's strange,
pregnant with danger,
Hand the next stranger
a kilo or two.
Pour on the water,
lamb at the slaughter,
Bathe in the light
that is blue, sky-blue!

Don't take it out in the rain.
You're insane!
You're insane!
You'll always remember the pain.
You're insane!
You're insane!
You're insane ---

--- Songs of Cesium #13

From the Washington Post Invitational contest, which calls them Merge-Matic Books: Readers were asked to combine the works of two authors, and to provide a suitable blurb.

Second Runner-Up: Machiavelli's The Little Prince. Antoine de Saint-Exupery's classic children's tale as presented by Machiavelli. The whimsy of human nature is embodied in many delightful and intriguing characters, all of whom are executed.

First Runner-Up: Green Eggs and Hamlet Would you kill him in his bed? Thrust a dagger through his head? I would not, could not, kill the King. I could not do that evil thing. I would not wed this girl, you see. Now get her to a nunnery.

And the Winner: Fahrenheit 451 of the Vanities. An' 80s yuppie is denied books. He does not object, or even notice.

Honorable Mentions:

Where's Walden? Alas, the challenge of locating Henry David Thoreau in each richly-detailed drawing loses its appeal when it quickly becomes clear that he is more...