Hotline Jokes

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    Psychiatric Hotline

    Hot 3 years ago

    Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline!
    If you are obsessive compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
    If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
    If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
    If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
    If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
    If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
    If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
    If you are phobic, don't press anything.
    If you are anal retentive, please hold.

    "Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline."
    If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press
    2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and
    6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

    A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
    The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
    "No," says his Advisor, "in her biology class."

    A local psychic hotline opened up a new number especially for frogs, called "The Psychic Frog-line." A frog called, wanting to know his future.
    "You will meet a beautiful young girl," predicted the psychic.
    "This is great!" said the frog. "Where will I meet her? At a party? At the pond?"
    "No," replied the psychic. "Next semester in a biology class."

    Computer Stories from a Field Service Engineer
    When I worked for a company that had a contract with 3M, 3M had asked me
    to write them a memo describing why we were having problems with diskette
    failures. I said in the memo that the disks were failing due to head
    crashes. "If the customers would just clean their heads periodically, we
    wouldn't have these problems," I said in the memo. One customer responded
    with "What kind of shampoo do you recommend?"
    An end-user hotline received a call about a bad software disk. They asked
    the customer to make a copy of the disk and mail it in to the hotline.
    A few days later, they received a letter with a mimeographed copy of
    the disk. Since it was a double-sided disk, both sides of the disk
    had been xeroxed.
    A Computer Operator says as she is lifting an RP06 disk pack from the drive:
    "Gee, how much does one of these weigh?"
    Me: "It depends on how much data is more...

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