Hotline Jokes

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    Psychiatric Hotline

    Hot 2 years ago

    Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline!
    If you are obsessive compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
    If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
    If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
    If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
    If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
    If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
    If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
    If you are phobic, don't press anything.
    If you are anal retentive, please hold.

    "Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline."
    If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press
    2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and
    6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

    "Signs the Person Answering the Butterball Turkey Hotline is Nuts"
    As presented on the 11/26/96 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN
    Starts out by asking, "What are you wearing?"
    Keeps referring to product called "Vicks Vap-O-Gravy"
    Recommends thawing the turkey in your pants
    Wants you to look inside the turkey for contact lens he lost at the processing plant
    When you ask, "How often should I baste it?" he says, "Are we still talking about the turkey?"
    Tells you that when the timer pops up, you have ten seconds before the damn thing explodes
    Insists you cook turkey at six degrees for 450 hours
    Keeps interrupting to ask if you're planning to eat the bird or wear it as a hat
    Claims to have sailed from New York to the Bahamas in a gravy boat
    He tells you to go stuff yourself

    A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
    The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
    "No," says his Advisor, "in her biology class."

    A local psychic hotline opened up a new number especially for frogs, called "The Psychic Frog-line." A frog called, wanting to know his future.
    "You will meet a beautiful young girl," predicted the psychic.
    "This is great!" said the frog. "Where will I meet her? At a party? At the pond?"
    "No," replied the psychic. "Next semester in a biology class."

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