Horny Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man is driving home late one night and is feeling very horny. As he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander. He thinks to himself, you know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is no one around here for miles.
He pulls over to the side of the road, picks out a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it, and begins to screw the pumpkin.
After a while he is really into it, and doesn't notice the police car pulling up. The cop walks over and says, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?"
The man looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and says, "A pumpkin? Is it midnight already?"

How can you tell when your girlfriend's horny? You stick your hands in her panties and it feels like you feeding a horse.

Jack is one horny guy and is not sure what to do about it. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a five dollar bill. He walks down the steet to the local
brothal and knocks on the door. The madam opens the door and asks Jack what she can do for him.
"I'm really horny but I only have $5. What can you do for me?" Jack asks the madam. She looks over this fellow and tells him, "Don't worry we can take care of you. No problem". She leads Jack into this room where in the opposite corner is a chicken. Jack thinks about this a second and figures it can't be that bad. He gives the madam the $5 and she closes the door behind her.
Jack undresses and has the time of his live. When he's done he can't remember when he has had such a pleasurable experience.
One week later, and horny again, Jack has saved up $10. Being a satisfied customer he goes back to the same madam and asks what she can do for him for
$10. "Well for $10 we have special show", more...

A horny young man went to a brothel... The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available. Madam, "On the first floor, we have the ex-models... they are all slinky and sexy... On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses... they are all buxom and beautiful... On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers.... they..."Man, "Say no more! Lead me to the third floor."Madam, "Are you sure... I'm surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses."Man, "It's obvious, ma'am, teachers always make you do a thing over and over again, until you're perfect at it."

Roger is buying his cousin's used motorcycle.
He says, "My God, it's so shiny! It's like new! What's your secret?"
His cousin says, "Well, any time it's about to rain, I coat the chrome with some Vaseline so it won't tarnish. In fact, I won't be needing this any longer, take my tube."
Roger and his girlfriend are going to her parents' house for dinner for the first time, so he goes to pick her up on the motorcycle.
As she's getting on the bike behind him, she says, "Listen, I have to tell you something. My family's a little strange. You can't talk during dinner. If you talk during dinner, you have to do the dishes."
When they walk into her parents' house, not only in the kitchen, but in the dining room, the living room, on the stairs, the back porch, everywhere, there are piles and piles of dirty dishes. They haven't done the dishes in months.
They sit down to eat, and the whole meal, nobody talks.
It's the end of the meal, more...

A man has a very horny parrot and is having a terrible time with it. Each time he reaches into the cage, the parrot humps his arm. When he invites his mother over for coffee, the parrot keeps saying foul things. Finally, he takes the parrot to the vet.
After examining the parrot extensively, the vet says, "You have a very horny male parrot. I have a sweet young female bird, and for fifteen dollars your bird can go in the cage with mine."
The man's parrot is listening and says, "Come on! Come on! What are you waiting for??"
Finally, the man says okay and hands over the fifteen dollars.
The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage with the female bird, and closes the curtain. Suddenly, "Kwah! Kwah! Kwah!" Feathers come flying out of the cage.
The vet exclaims, "Oh, my gosh," runs across the room and opens the curtain.
The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the cage and is pulling out all her feathers. more...

What's the difference between a regular toad and a horny toad?
One says, ''Rib-it, rib-it,'' while the other says, ''Rub-it, rub-it.''