Hillary Jokes / Recent Jokes

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit afortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news."Theres no easy way to say this, so Ill just be blunt: Prepareyourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent andhorrible death this year."Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the womans lined face, then atthe single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took afew deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. Shemet the fortune tellers gaze, steadied her voice, and asked herquestion:"Will I be acquitted?"

Hillary wakes bill in the middle of the night.
Bill: "What's the matter?"
Hillary: "I'm thirsty and I would like a glass of water."
Bill: "Do you seriously think I'm going to get it for you??"
Hillary: "Of course not. I just want you to keep my place empty until I'm back."

Clinton's mail:

Dear Bill:

As a fellow Southern Baptist, I can sympathize with your predicament. Although when I was president I merely lusted in my heart, I have to admit that had I served another term, my lust might have broken free and moved down my body. God bless you in this time of trial.

Jimmy Carter
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Dear Bill:

OK, so I'll never be president, but at least Donna Rice was a fox!

Gary Hart
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My Dear Chap:

This is a bit of a sticky wicket, but if I were you, I should ask that charming Jay Leno fellow to see you through. Pop onto his show, admit that you made an ass of yourself and all will be forgiven.

Hugh Grant
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Bill:

They entrapped me, they framed me, they caught me in a motel with drugs and a prostitute, but I bounced back and so can you!

Mayor Marion more...

"Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. You know, the one with only seven commandments."
- David Letterman

Hillary Rodham Clinton, as a New York State Senator, now comes under this fancy "Congressional Retirement and Staffing Plan," which means that even if she never gets re-elected, she STILL receives her Congressional salary until she dies. If Bill out-lives her, he then inherits HER salary until HE dies. He is already getting his Presidential salary until he dies. If Hillary out-lives Bill, she also gets HIS salary until she dies. Guess who pays for that? WE DO! It's common knowledge that in order for her to establish NY residency, they purchased a million dollar-plus house in upscale Chappaqua, New York. Makes sense. They are entitled to Secret Service protection for life. Still makes sense. Here is where it becomes interesting. Their mortgage payments hover at around $10, 000 per month. BUT, an extra residence HAD to be built within the acreage to house the Secret Service agents. The Clintons charge the Federal government $10, 000 monthly rent for the use of that extra more...

"Least Popular Christmas Carols" (as sung by the Late Show Carolers)
As presented on the 12/03/96 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN
"I Saw Mommy Marry Larry King"
"Boris the Red-Nosed Yeltsin Had an 86-Proof Nose"
"Im Searching For the Real Killers With Every Round of Golf I Play"
"Oh, Hillary, Oh, Hillary, You're Going to Jail for One-to-Three"
"Influenza, Influenza, Influenza, Influenza"
"O Little Network CBS How Still We See Thee Lie"
"Frosty the Crackhead Had a Crack Pipe Full of Crack"
"I Have an Irregular Heartbeat Pa-Rum-Pum-Pum-Pum"
"O.J. Is Free Although He's Prob'ly Guilty"
"Good King Clinton Dropped His Pants in a Cheap Hotel Room"

Bill and Hillary were married for 40 years.
When they first got married Bill said,
"I am putting a box under the bed.
You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 40 years of marriage Hillary never looked.
However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary
curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid
and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans
and $1874. 25 in cash.

She closed the box and put it back under the bed.

Now that she knew what was in the box,
she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they
were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary
could no longer contain her curiosity and

she confessed, saying,"I am so sorry. For all these
years I kept my promise and never looked into the
box under our bed.

However today the temptation was too much and I gave in.
But now I need to know why do you,
keep the cans in more...