Highways Jokes

For those of you who have never traveled to the great West or Southwest, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing. For some reason the bovines will not step on the guards, probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails. I need to make that clear in order for everyone to appreciate the following TRUE story.

President GW Bush received a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado. Because Colorado ranchers protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, he ordered the Secretary of Interior to fire half of the guards immediately. Before the Secretary could respond, and presumably straighten him out, Colorado's Congress-woman Pat Schroeder intervened with a request that before any were fired, they be given six months of retraining.

~~
Editor's note: No, it didn't really happen...

The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway. You were born somewhere else. You know how to eat an artichoke. The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic. Your car has bulletproof windows. Left is right and right is wrong. Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income. Your mouse has only one ball. You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up. You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by. You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it. You drive to your neighborhood block party. Your family tree contains' significant others'. Your cat has it's own psychiatrist. You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them. You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance. More than clothes come out of the closets. When' the Dead' are best live. You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse. More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers. Smoking in your office is not more...

The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway. You were born somewhere else. You know how to eat an artichoke. The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic. Your car has bulletproof windows. Left is right and right is wrong. Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income. Your mouse has only one ball. You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up. You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by. You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it. You drive to your neighborhood block party. Your family tree contains 'significant others'. Your cat has it's own psychiatrist. You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them. You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance. More than clothes come out of the closets. When 'the Dead' are best live. You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse. More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers. Smoking in your office is not more...