Heat Jokes / Recent Jokes

Dog that ran out of gas.

Hot 3 years ago

"Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" a little girl asked. "No, I don't think so. Fifi is in heat," replied the mother. "What does that mean?" asked the child. Embarrassed and not wanting to get into a biological discussion with her young daughter, the Mother said, "Oh, just go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Fifi for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Fifi was in heat, and that I had to come talk to you." Not wanting to have the biological discussion either, the father said, "Bring Fifi over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear end with it. "Okay, now you can go for a walk but keep Fifi on the leash and you can only go around the block once."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash. "Where is Fifi?" her more...

Homelite Zip Start Vac Attack Blower:
Do not point blower in direction of people or pets.
(Wild animals are presumably okay?)
Bono 527 Multi-Purpose Cement:
Exposure may result in confusion.
(Anyone who sniffs glue is more than confused)
Bowl-Fresh Automatic Toilet Cleaning Tablets:
Harmful if swallowed.
(I know a kid who can put a whole orange in his mouth- but that's beside the point)
Sunbeam Simple Press Iron:
To prevent burn injury, keep hand away from heated area.
(I had no idea intense heat could BURN you! Go figure!)
Hungry Jack Lite Syrup:
Caution: Syrup bottle may be hot.
(After lengthy instructions on how to heat the bottle.)
50 Water Balloons:
This bag is not a toy.
(Yes indeed, it's the real thing!)
9 Piece Super Bouncers Bouncing Balls:
This toy is a small ball.
(Apparently that's a bad thing.)
Tagamet HB2000:
Do not take if you are allergic to Tagamet HB2000 or other acid more...

Ant and a grasshopper

Hot 6 years ago

THE ORIGINAL VERSIONThe ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.MODERN CANADIAN VERSIONThe ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come the winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.The CBC shows up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. Canadians are stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to more...

Missy in heat

Hot 2 years ago

Angela went up to her mom and ask if she could take missy for a walk. Her mom said no, that missy was in heat. "What is heat?" Mom said go ask your Dad, he is outside working on car. Angela goes outside and ask her Dad if she can take missy for a walk, her Mom had said no, that missy was in heat. "What is heat Dad"? Go get the leash and bring her here. She goes and get missy and brings her back on a leash. Her Dad takes a grease rag and soaks it in Gasoline and swips her bottom with it. Now you can take her around the block one time. Angela goes down the street and comes back shorty with the leash and no missy. Dad says "where is missy?" Angela said "missy ran out of gas and another dog pushed her down the street.

Missy in heat

Hot 3 years ago

Angela went up to her mom and ask if she could take missy for a
walk. Her mom said no, that missy was in heat.
"What is heat?" Mom said go ask your Dad, he is outside working on
car.
Angela goes outside and ask her Dad if she can take missy for a
walk, her Mom had said no, that missy was in heat. "What is heat
Dad"?
Go get the leash and bring her here. She goes and get missy and
brings her back on a leash. Her Dad takes a grease rag and soaks it
in Gasoline and swips her bottom with it.
Now you can take her around the block one time. Angela goes down the
street and comes back shorty with the leash and no missy. Dad says
"where is missy?"
Angela said "missy ran out of gas and another dog pushed her down
the street.

The Cesium song 10

Hot 5 years ago

Cesium (All through the Night)
(Tune, Fever)
(1)
Never know how much I need you,
Never know how much I'd dare,
When I mix you up with water,
I get a heat that's hard to bear.
I need my Cesium!
Burnin' brightly,
Cesium to give me light.
Cesium -
In the morning,
Cesium all through the night.
(2)
Sun lights up the daytime.
Moon lights up the night.
Cesium lights up heaven above,
With a brilliant sky-blue light.
I need my Cesium!
Burnin' hotly.
Cesium shinin' so bright.
Cesium -
In the morning,
Cesium to make me feel right.
(Coda)
Everybody,
Needs some Cesium,
Cesium to give 'em that glow.
Cesium -
Add some water,
Get a fire hot as down below!
(3)
Romeo, he had Cesium,
Cool water Juliette.
When they mixed it up together,
Things got as hot as they can get!
They needed Cesium!
Flamin' madly.
Cesium burnin' so blue.
Cesium -
Shared more...

Laws of Feline Physics I

Hot 4 years ago

Laws of Feline Physics I
Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force – such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable for the cat, as possible.
Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach any counter top that has anything more...