Haven Jokes / Recent Jokes

ARKANSAS MOTHER WRITES HER SONDearest Redneck Son, I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain... we haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried more...

Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you first left. Your Dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address as the last family here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in, pulled the chain, and I haven't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days this time. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue sid it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a girl or a boy, so I don't know if you are an Aunt or and Uncle. Not much more news this time, write soon.
Love, Mom
P.S. Was going to send you money, but the more...

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship; she goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds; Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere; but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands; if I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She complained "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because
there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am more...

New assimilation software turned out to be vaporware; back to square one when the supplier's 1-800 number was disconnected.
Assimilation of Locutus caused chaos as the Borg became caught up in a massive Sam Spade adventure game craze.
If Earth were assimilated, the commute from Borg home planet would be a killer drive.
Collective Borg decided a cube was to complicated a form - awaiting building of a new pyramid ship.
Earth was too blue for their tastes; they were hoping for an emerald green planet, something in a teal, with tasteful lavender clouds.
Bidding war for exclusive appearance in Coke or Pepsi commercials too agonizing a choice... returned home to rebuild decision circuits.
Earth too close to the sun... would ruin their cultivated pallor.
They heard that Worf bragged of personally kicking their butts if they showed their face in the sector again... began laughing for first time, haven't stopped yet.
$29 navigation chip failed... they now have more...

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

You Know You're From New York City When...
1.) You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.
2.) You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3.) You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4.) Hookers and the homeless are invisible.
5.) The subway makes sense.
6.) You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
7.) You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple".
8.) The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.
9.) You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard.
10.) You consider Westchester "upstate".
11.) You think Central Park is "nature."
12.) You see nothing odd about the speed of an auctioneer's speaking.
13.) You're paying more...

ON COURAGE: "They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind." -- Cindy Crawford

ON SELF-KNOWLEDGE: "Everywhere I went, my cleavage followed. But I learned I am not my cleavage." -- Carole Mallory

ON POVERTY: "Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery." -- Beverly Johnson

ON FATE: "I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that." -- Christie Brinkley

ON ARRIVING: "Because modeling is lucrative, I'm able to save up and be more particular about the acting roles I take." -- Kathy Ireland (star of Alien From L. A. and Danger Island)

ON CAREER CHOICES: "My boyfriend thinks I lost my true calling to be a librarian." -- Paulina Porizkova

ON PRIORITIES: "I would rather exercise than read a newspaper." -- Kim Alexis

ON more...