Handyman Jokes

A proud father brought home a swing set he had just purchased for his children and immediately began to assemble it while all the neighborhood children anxiously waited to play on it.
After several hours of reading the assembly instructions and trying to fit bolt A into slot B, etc., he gave up and called upon an old handyman working in a neighboring yard.
The old-timer came over, tossed the directions away, and had the set completely assembled in a short period of time.
"It's beyond me," the father said, "how you managed to get it all put together without even reading the directions."
"To tell the truth," replied the old-timer, "I can't read, and when you can't read, you've got to think."

A little boy was watching a handyman at work on the upper story of a house. Suddenly the man drops a hammer, and comes down the ladder to retrieve it.
The little boy calls out, "My daddy would have two hammers so he wouldn't have to come the ladder when he dropped one."
The handyman says, "Yeah, that's great, kid", and climbs back up the ladder and returns to work. Within a few minutes, he drops his screwdriver, and comes back down the ladder.
The little boy calls out again, "My daddy would have two screwdrivers so he wouldn't have to come down the ladder when he dropped one."
The handyman mutters something and returns up the ladder. A few minutes later, the man realizes he has to go to the bathroom. Unfortunately, he has no way into the house, so he climbs down the ladder and goes behind a bush.
When he's finishing up, he notices that the little boy has followed him. "I suppose your daddy has two of these too?" he more...

A handyman, who was working for a synagogue in Allentown, PA, asked for a raise and was flatly refused. So, he quit his job and went out searching for work.
First, he went to a Baptist church. The minister told him that in order to get a job there, he would have to answer one question. "Where was Jesus born?" the minister asked.
The handyman answered, "Pittsburgh," and was promptly thrown out.
He then went to a Catholic church and was told that in order to work there, he would have to answer one question. "Where was Jesus born?" the priest asked.
"Philadelphia," the handyman answered. Again, he was thrown out.
As he continued his search, he met up with the rabbi who happened to be looking for him. "I've been looking everywhere for you," exclaimed the rabbi. "The board has approved your raise. Please, come back immediately."
"I will come back," the handyman replied, "but only if you more...

You might not be able to tell by looking at me, but I'm not a handyman. I'm not a fix-it guy at all.

I'm the kind of person that looks at a rolled up piece of pink fiberglass insulation and thinks "Wow, that kinda looks like a big piece of sushi!"

I only know to call it "fiberglass insulation" because I had the opportunity to work along side my father-in-law, a contractor.
Imagine my surprise when one day, we were renovating my house, he turned to me and said "Josh. You hammer like lightning."
I was psyched, until I realized that lightning never hits the same spot twice.