Guards Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Death Row (Newfie Joke)

    Hot 2 years ago

    There was a German, an Italian and a Newfie on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die...
    1. To be shot
    2. To be hung
    3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death
    The German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.
    The Italian said "Just hang me." With a snap of the rope he was dead.
    Then the Newfie said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot and the Newfie fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.
    The Newfie said "Give me another one of those shots." The guards injected him again and now the Newfie was laughing so hard that tears rolled down his cheeks and he was doubled over laughing.
    Finally the warden said "What is wrong with you?"
    The Newfie replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom."

    prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear
    Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the
    back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
    The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read
    all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever
    you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where
    I hid all the money."
    A week or so later, he received another letter from
    his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe
    what happened, some men came with shovels to the house,
    and dug up the entire back garden."
    The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear
    wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

    Manners in the USSR

    Hot 1 year ago

    Stalin is giving a speech in a small auditorium. During a pause, someone
    in the audience sneezes. Looking up, Stalin asks,
    "Who sneezed?"
    Noone answers. Stalin orders the guards to escort the last three rows of
    people outside, where they are executed. Stalin then asks,
    "Now, who sneezed?"
    Again, noone answers. Again, Stalin orders the guards to escort the last
    three rows outside. Shots are heard. Again, Stalin asks,
    "Now! Who sneezed??"
    A small, bespectacled man in the second row raises his hand and says,
    "Um, I did, comrade."
    To which Stalin replies,
    "Bless you."
    ... and then continues his speech.

    One day i was out looking for a Birthday present for my sisters 19th birthday and as i was walking down the card isle and spotted something that looked like it would be good....But before i tell you the joke you need to know that my all of my sisters x boyfreinds have either been in jail or are on their way to jail so back to the card....
    On the front it said
    Hey Sis i was going to get all of your x boyfreinds to sign this card for you... then when you opened it up it said However the guards wouldnt let them have any sharp objects!!!

    There were three prisoners who were about to be executed by the electric chair. The guards strapped down the first one, a Frenchman, onto the chair, and they asked him for his last words.
    "Vive la France!" he said, meaning 'Long live France'.
    When they pulled the switch, nothing happened. Everyone was amazed and thought that a miracle had occurred. The Frenchman was saved from death and released.
    The guards strapped the second one, an Englishman, in the chair. When asked for his last words, he said, "Long live the Queen!"
    Again, when they pulled the switch, nothing happened. He was saved and released.
    When they asked the last prisoner who was an Irishman for his last words, he said, "Do you know why the other two prisoners escaped death? It's because you stupid blokes forget to plug in the cable!"

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