Grocery Jokes

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    Grocery Shopping

    Hot 6 years ago

    A father and son went grocery shopping, and down practically every aisle, the kid wanted something.
    "Dad, can I get some Lucky Charms?"
    "Sure, if you can touch your dick to your ass."
    "I can't"
    "Then I guess you don't get any Lucky Charms."
    Later on
    "Dad, can I get some Mountain Dew?"
    "Can you touch your dick to your ass?"
    "No"
    "Then no Mountain Dew"
    At the checkout, the dad feeling really sorry for his son, bought his son a lottery ticket.
    They walked out to the car and the kid immediately scratched off the ticket, and screamed.
    "Dad, I won, I won ten thousand dollars."
    "Great, son, are you going to give some of the money to your mother and me?"
    "I don't know, can you touch your dick to your ass?"
    "Yes, I can son, I'm older"
    "Good; go fuck yourself."

    * Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money. Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.
    * Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
    * Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it. Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.
    * Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
    * The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
    * Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.
    * First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing more...

    * Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money.Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.* Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.* Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.* Weiner's Law of Libraries: more...

    A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, 'Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you....On your wat home from my office, stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts, Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you hit bulls-eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knew, you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue....Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at you husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.'
    The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, more...

    A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you.
    "On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.
    "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his
    love pole.
    Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut."
    The couple went home and their sex life became more and more...

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