Grapefruit Jokes

There is a story about a new clerk in a supermarket. A customer asked him if she could buy half a grapefruit. Not knowing what to do, he excused himself to ask the manager.
"Some nut out there wants to buy half a grapefruit..." he began, and, suddenly realizing that the customer had entered the office behind him, continued, "... and this lovely lady would like to buy the other half."
The manager was impressed with the way the clerk amicably resolved the problem and they later started chatting. "Where are you from?" asked the store manager.
"Lancaster, Pennsylvania," replied the clerk, "home of ugly women and great hockey teams."
"Oh, my WIFE is from Lancaster," challenged the manager.
Without skipping a beat, the clerk asked, "What team was she on?"

Santa got a job in a supermarket, and one day a man came in and wanted to buy half a grapefruit.
I don't think we can sell half a grapefruit, said Santa, but I'll ask my boss.
He walked over to the boss and said, Some idiot wants to buy half a grapefruit, then noticed that the man had followed him over and heard the comment.
And this fine gentleman, Santa added, "would like to buy the other half.

A guy goes to see a psychiatrist.

He says, "Doc, I think I'm hung up on women's breasts."

The psychiatrist says, "We'll see. I'll give you a quick word-association test. I'll say something, and then you say the first thing that comes into your mind.

The doctor says, "2 Eggs."

The guy says, "Boobs."

The doctor says, "Orange."

The guy says, "Hooters."

The doctor says, "Grapefruit."

The guy says, "Jugs."

The doctor says, "Windshield wipers."

The guy says, "Knockers."

The psychiatrist says, "It's very obvious you have a problem. I mean, I can understand the egg, an orange, or even a grapefruit, but why would windshield wipers make you think of breasts?"

The guy says, "Are you kidding, Doc? First this one, then that one, then this one, then that more...

Q: How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
A: The best ones squirt when you eat them.

How To Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long bathrobe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror make mental note to do
more sit-ups.

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs

12. Turn off more...