Goodness Jokes / Recent Jokes

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. Then took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room.
"I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and she carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator she noticed two men already aboard.
Both were black.
One of them was big... very big... an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen.
But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered, ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind, but knew they surely did; her hesitation about joining them on the elevator was all too obvious. Her face was flushed.
She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of more...

People eat muffins for breakfast, and for snacks. But not Harold. Harold was muffinless. He loved the tasty goodness of the top part and the more tasty goodness of the bottom part but still, he was muffinless. One day, Harold became ill and his doctor told him to stay in bed. On that day, it rained muffins. One day a neighbor came up to Harold and told him to have a muffin, but whether it was good, bad, poisoned, or delicious, we will never know, for that is the end of our story.

There has been an emergency when Bert gets home from work. His 9 year old son, Little Johnny called to tell him that his younger son has been hurt, he was hit by a car. Bert rushes through the doors of the emergency room at the hospital, “I got here as fast as I could! How is Milton? ” He is told by his wife, “He’s fine. He needed three stitches in his chin. ” “Johnny told me what happened! Thank goodness he’s all right! Thank goodness he wasn’t killed! I can’t believe our Little Milty was hit by a car! ” “That’s what Johnny told you? ” asks Wilma. “Well, he said some other stuff, too, but I was running out the door? Why? ” “Are you familiar with the ‘Hot Wheels’ line of vehicles? ”

A young Italian bride was having a talk with her mother on her wedding
night.
She said, "MaMa, I'va never been with a man before and I'm ascared.
Whattama gonna do?"
Her mother says, "Baby, just go to your husband, and you'll know what
to do".
So, the nervous bride goes upstairs to her husband and closes the
bedroom door behind her. While she's standing across the room, her
husband takes off his shirt.
"Oh, my goodness" she screams as she runs out the door and down the
stairs to her mother.
"MaMa, he's a gotta hair all over his a chest!"
Her mother replies, "Honey, that's OK, he's a man, he's supposed to
have a hairy chest. Now go up back to your husband."
The nervous bride again goes back upstairs to the bedroom and closes
the door. Her husband takes off his pants.
"Oh me goodness!" she screams as she runs out the door and down the
stairs to more...

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting to St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "what is happening?"
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "It's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams.
"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."
Shaking her head, the old lady says, "I can't do this. I'm off down to hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Sure" says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes more...

Son: “Mon, Teacher Was Asking Me Today, If I Have Any Brothers Or Sisters Who Will Be Coming To School. ”
Mom: “That’s Nice Of Her To Take Such An Interest In You. So What Did She Say When You Told Her That You’re The Only Child, My Dear? ”
Son: “She Just Said… “Thank Goodness! ”

A 911 operator gets a call one evening but nobody says anything. Fearing the worst, the operator
calls back, and a little boy answers the phone in whispering voice......
[barely audible] Hello!
(Operator) Hello little boy. Did you just call 911?
[barely audible] "No!"
(Operator) O. K., is your mommy home?
[barely audible] "Yes."
(Operator) Can I speak to her, please?
[barely audible] "No."
(Operator) "Why not?"
[barely audible] "Because she's busy!"
(Operator) "Oh, OK. Is your daddy home then?"
[barely audible] "Yes."
(Operator) "Well, can I speak to him?"
[barely audible] "No!"
(Operator) "Well, my goodness, why not?"
[barely audible] "Because he's busy too!"
(Operator) "OH, goodness! What's he busy doing?"
[barely audible] "Talking to the police."
(Operator) more...