Gold Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man is walking around the streets of New York one day when he spies an old friend of his from college. "Boris!" he yells. "I haven't seen you in ages! How have you been?"

"Well," Boris replies. "I am the piccolo player for the International Orchestra."

"Spectacular!" the man replies.

"It is not what you might think, my friend. We play for the King of England, he loves the music. He says' Fill the instruments with gold!' and they fill the tuba with gold and they fill the trombone with gold, and me with the goddamn piccolo. We play for the Queen of France. She loves the music. She says' Fill the instruments with silver!' and they fill the tuba with silver and they fill the trombone with silver, and me with the goddamn piccolo. Then we play for the czar of Russia. He hates the music. He says' Shove the instruments up their asses!' and the tuba doesn't fit and the trombone doesn't fit, AND ME WITH more...

Homelite Zip Start Vac Attack Blower:
Do not point blower in direction of people or pets.
(Wild animals are presumably okay?)
Bono 527 Multi-Purpose Cement:
Exposure may result in confusion.
(Anyone who sniffs glue is more than confused)
Bowl-Fresh Automatic Toilet Cleaning Tablets:
Harmful if swallowed.
(I know a kid who can put a whole orange in his mouth- but that's beside the point)
Sunbeam Simple Press Iron:
To prevent burn injury, keep hand away from heated area.
(I had no idea intense heat could BURN you! Go figure!)
Hungry Jack Lite Syrup:
Caution: Syrup bottle may be hot.
(After lengthy instructions on how to heat the bottle.)
50 Water Balloons:
This bag is not a toy.
(Yes indeed, it's the real thing!)
9 Piece Super Bouncers Bouncing Balls:
This toy is a small ball.
(Apparently that's a bad thing.)
Tagamet HB2000:
Do not take if you are allergic to Tagamet HB2000 or other acid more...

The gold teeth

Hot 5 years ago

Moisha Rabinowitz in the late 1930s fled his native land of Germany.
He sold all his assets and converted it to gold and then had 5 sets of solid gold false teeth made.
When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have 5 sets of gold teeth.
So Moisha explained: "We Orthodox Jews have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products but I am so kosher and religious I also have separate sets of teeth."
The customs official shook his head and said, "Well that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?"
Moisha then said "Vell us very religious Orthodox Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so religious I have separate teeth, one for meat and one for dairy food.
The customs official slapped his head and then said, "You must be a very religious man with separate teeth for food and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of more...

Rough miner sex

Hot 7 years ago

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender.
"We got her," replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."
The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!"
The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!"
Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.
"How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner.
"I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open those beers first."

False Teeth

Hot 5 years ago

Moisha Rabinowitz in the late 1930s fled his native land of Germany. He sold all his assets and converted it to gold and then had 5 sets of solid gold false teeth made.When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have 5 sets of gold teeth. So Moisha explained."We Orthodox Jews have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products but I am so kosher and religious I also have separate sets of teeth."The customs official shook his head and said, "Well that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?"Moisha then said "Vell us very religious Orthodox Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so religious I have separate teeth, one for meat and one for dairy food.The customs official slapped his head and then said, "You must be a very religious man with separate teeth for food and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What
about the more...

The Golden Urinal

Hot 4 years ago

A man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman.
"No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of GOLD!"
She said she didn't believe him, so she called the bar.
"Hello," she said, "I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question; are your urinals covered in gold?"
To which she heard the bartender say, "Hey, Clarence, - I think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone!"

I found this inside a old business card from
Stateside Locker Club, San Diego, CA:
In a South American mining district Mrs. Brown presented her
husband with a 12 pound baby boy. Mr. Brown was so delighted that he
went to the News office and told that he had found a 12 pound nugget of
gold as good as any to be found in South America. The paper, naturally,
sent a reporter to get particulars. This is what happened:
Reporter-Does Mr. Brown live here?
Mrs.Brown- he does.
Reporter-Is he in?
Mrs.Brown-No he isn't.
Reporter-I understand he found a nugget of gold weighing 12 pounds.
Mrs.Brown-(Seeing the joke) Yes.
Reporter-Can you show me the exact location where it was found?
Mrs.Brown-I'm afraid Mr. Brown would object as it is private.
Reporter-Is the hole far from here?
Mrs.Brown-No, it is quite handy.
Reporter-Has Mr. Brown been working the claim long?
Mrs.Brown-Almost ten months.
Reporter-Was Mr. Brown the first more...