God Jokes / Recent Jokes

Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty people from New York City showed up. Never having seen anyone from the Big Apple at heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God. After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous people from the group. A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone!" "What? All of the New Yorkers are gone?" asked God. "No!" replied Saint Peter. "The Pearly Gates!"

There came a big flood, and the water around Bhola's house was rising steadily.. Bhola was standing on the porch, watching water rising all around him, when a man in a boat came along and called to Bhola, "Get in the boat and I'll get you out of here. Bhola replied, "No thanks, God will save me." Bhola went into the house, and the water was starting to pour in. So, he went up to the second floor. As he looked out, another man in a boat came along, and he called to Bhola, "Get in the boat and I'll get you out of here." Again, Bhola replied, "No thanks. God will save me." The water kept rising. So, Bhola got out onto the roof. A helicopter flew over, and the pilot called down to Bhola, "I'll drop you a rope, grab onto it, and I'll get you out of here." Again Bhola replied, "No thanks. God will save me." The water rose and rose, and soon nearly covered the whole house. Bhola fell in, and drowned. When he arrived in Heaven, he saw more...

An Australian joke... St Peter is standing at the pearly gates one day when a pair of Abo's stroll up." Your names aren't on today's list... let me go and ask the Boss" he says. In God's office he tells the Big Man all about the two Abo's, and Godtells Peter to go and tell them to fuck right off. St Peter takes his leave. 5 minutes later St Peter runs back into the room and says "they're gone"God says "the Abo's? Good". and St Peter replies... "NO THE PEARLY GATES!!!".

In Aurangabad, 1968, in conjunction with the sisters of the Holy Cross, I was organist and choirmaster for a Christmas Carol Service. A number of officials were invited to read selected portions from the Scriptures. One portion: "The treasures will be opened and the glories of God will be revealed' was read as: "The trousers will be opened and the glories of God will be revealed.'

One day I decided to quit.... I quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality.. ..
I wanted to quit my life.
I went to the woods to have one last talk with God.
"God", I said. "Can you give me one good reason not to quit?"
His answer surprised me...
"Look around", He said. "Do you see the fern and the bamboo?"
"Yes", I replied.
"When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care of them.
I gave them light. I gave them water.

The fern quickly grew from the earth. Its brilliant green covered the floor.
Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo.

In the second year the Fern grew more vibrant and plentiful.
And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed.
But I did not quit on the bamboo".

He said. "In the third year, there was still nothing from the bamboo seed.
But I would not more...

A musician arrived at the pearly gates. "What did you do when you were alive?" asked St. Peter. "I was the principal trombone player of the London Symphony Orchestra" "Excellent! We have a vacancy in our celestial symphony orchestra for a trombonist. Why don't you turn up at the next rehearsal." So, when the time for the next rehearsal arrived our friend turned up with his heavenly trombone [sic].
As he took his seat God moved, in a mysterious way, to the podium and tapped his batton to bring the players to attention. Our friend turned to the angelic second trombonist (!) and whispered, "So, what's God like as a conductor?" "Oh, he's O. K. most of the time, but occasionally he thinks he's von Karajan."

God summons Pat Buchanan, Nelson Mandela and Shimon Peres. He promises to grant each of them one wish.
Mandela says, "I'd like all of the black people in America who aredescendants of slaves to return to their African homeland."
"No problem," answers God.
Peres says, "I want all of the Jews in the Diaspora to come to the Land of Israel and make it their home."
"It's done," says God. "Pat, you're next. What's your wish?"
Buchanan looks around at Mandela and Peres and asks God, "Did those two guys really get their wishes?"
"Of course," says God.
"Well in that case," says Buchanan, "just gimme a Diet Coke."