God Jokes / Recent Jokes

God's Screensaver

Hot 6 years ago

Bill Gates died and was soon standing in front of God. God looked through Bill's book and couldn't decide if he wanted to send Bill to Hell or Heaven, so he gave Bill a choice. Looking through Heaven's window Bill Gates saw a sunny beach. In Hell's window Bill saw not only a beach, but beautiful women too, so of course he chooses Hell. Two weeks later God goes to check on Bill Gates and finds him running from devils having a horrible time.
"How's it going, Bill?" God asked.
"Horrible! What happened to the beach and the women?" Bill cried.
"Oh," God laughed. "That was the screensaver."

God created the donkey & said to him: " You will work unceasingly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence & you will live 50 years. You will be a donkey. " The donkey answered: " I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is too much. Give me only 20 years. God granted his wish. God created the dog and said to him: "You will be a dog. " You will guard the house of man. You will be his best friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 25 years. You will be a dog. " The dog answered: " Sir, to live 25 years is too much, you give me only 10 years. God granted his wish. God created the Monkey and said to him: " You will be a monkey. " You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. You will be a monkey. " The monkey answered: " Sir, to live 20 years is too much, you give me only 10 years. God granted more...

One warm day, Mulla Nasruddin was taking it easy in the shade of a walnut tree. After a time, he started eyeing speculatively, the huge pumpkins rising on vines and the small walnuts growing on a majestic tree.

Sometimes I just can't understand the ways of God! He mused. Just fancy letting tiny walnuts grow on so majestic a tree and huge pumpkins on the delicate vines!

Just then a walnut snapped off and cut down smack on Mulla Nasruddin's hairless head. He got up at once and lifting up his hands and face to heavens in supplication, said:

Oh, my God! Forgive my inquiring your ways! You are all-wise. Where would I have been now, if pumpkins grew on trees!

More Religion Quotes

Hot 3 years ago

I don't care WHO you are, you're not walking on the water while I'm fishing.

A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.

Definition of Atheism: a non-prophet organization.

Jesus saves, Allah forgives, Cthulhu thinks you'd make a nice sandwich.

Why settle for the lesser of two evils?

Photons have mass!? I didn't even know they were Catholic...

Here's to the sun God, He sure is a fun God, Ra, Ra, Ra

Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? - Jules Feiffer

A diagnostic is someone who doesn't know whether there are two gods.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

In the beginning, God created the Baptists. And the Baptists looked at themselves and said, "We good." And God saw it was too late.

Televangelists: The Pro more...

What Do you believe in?

Hot 2 years ago

A Toronto, a Waterloo and a Queens student were in an airplane that
crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white
throne. God addresses The Waterloo student first.
"What do you believe in?"
The Waterloo student replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion
engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that
if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and
we'll all die."
God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and
sit at my right."
God then addresses the Queen's Student; "Well, I believe in power to the
people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things
and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I
also believe in feeling people's pain."
God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come
and sit at my left."
God then more...

The Image Of Rank

Hot 5 years ago

General:
Leaps over tall buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water, and gives policy to God.

Colonel:
Leaps over short buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if sea is calm, and talks to God.

Lieutenant Colonel:
Leaps over short buildings with a running start and a favorable wind, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is as fast as a speeding b-b, walks on water in an indoor pool, and talks to God if special request is approved.

Major:
Barely clears quonset huts, loses tug-of-war with locomotives, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, and is occassionally addressed by God.

Captain:
Makes high marks when trying to leap buildings, is run over by locomotives, can someimes handle a weapon without inflicting self-injury, can doggie-paddle, and talks to more...

Thank God I'm an

Hot 2 years ago

Thank God I'm an atheist.