1) Cover your stump before you hump
2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3) Don't be silly, protect your Willie
4) When in doubt shroud you spout
5) Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6) You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong
7) If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8) If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9) It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
10) If you slip between her thighs, condomize
11) She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12) If you go into heat, package your meat
13) While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis
14) When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse
15) Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16) Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker
17) Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18) The right selection, is to protect your erection
19) Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil
20) A crank with armor, will never harm more...
A rookie officer pulled over a guy who was speeding.
officer:May I see your license?
Man:It is not valid.It has been revoked 5 times.
officer:Well then can I please see the registration to the car?
Man:this is not my car.I carjacked it.
Officer:Well open up the glove box and let me see who it is regitered to.
Man:I can't open up the glove box, it has my loaded gun in there
About this time the officer is reaching for his gun.
Officer:Well what do you have a gun in the glove box for?
Man:Oh, I used to kill my wife who is stuffed in the trunk.
The officer goes over and calls for backup.The police chief comes over and says,
Chief:Let me get this straight, you are driving on a license that has been revoked 5 times?
Man: No, Here, take a look,
And sure enough it was valid
Chief:Okay, but you carjacked this car?
Man:No it is my car.Let me get the registration out of the glove box and show you.
Chief:But don't you have a loaded more...
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are all boasting to each other about
presents they have bought their wives for their birthdays.
The Englishman says "I've bought my wife a 24-carot gold ring and a
"Why have you got her a glove?" the other two ask.
"Because when she wears the ring in public, I want her to wear the glove
so no-one can nick it off her finger" he replies.
The Scotsman is not impressed and proudly braggs "I've got my wife a
diamond necklace and a scarf".
The other two, slightly confused, ask "What's the scarf for?"
"So that when she wears it in crowded places, she can put the scarf around
her neck to prevent it being snatched" the Scotsman replies.
The Englishman and Scotsman, both feeling proud at their gifts, were keen
what the Irishman had bought his wife and invited him to tell them.
"Well, I got her a pair of shoes and a more...
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Who's car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card. The driver more...
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.
One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he was in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats. "That's awful expensive", but because of the position he was in, agreed to the price.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little more...