Global Jokes

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    Global warming

    Hot 1 year ago

    "... Perhaps of even greater significance is the
    continuous and profound distrust of science and technology
    that the environmental movement displays. The environmental
    movement maintains that science and technology cannot be
    relied upon to build a safe atomic power plant, to produce
    a pesticide that is safe, or even bake a loaf of bread that
    is safe, if that loaf of bread contains chemical preservatives.
    When it comes to global warming, however, it turns out that
    there is one area in which the environmental movement
    displays the most breathtaking confidence in the reliability
    of science and technology, an area in which, until recently,
    no one-even the staunchest supporters of science and
    technology-had ever thought to assert very much confidence
    at all. The one thing, the environmental movement holds,
    that science and technology can do so well that we are
    entitled to have unlimited confidence in them, is FORECAST
    THE more...

    In a move IBM offices are hailing as a major step in the company's ongoing worldwide telecommunications revolution, M'wana Ndeti, a member of Zaire's Bantu tribe, used an IBM global uplink network modem yesterday to crush a nut.
    Ndeti, who spent twenty minutes trying to open the nut by hand, easily cracked it open by smashing it repeatedly with the powerful modem.
    "I could not crush the nut by myself," said the forty-seven-year-old Ndeti, who added the savory nut to a thick, peanut-based soup minutes later. "With IBM's help, I was able to break it."
    Ndeti discovered the nut-breaking, 28.8 V.34 modem yesterday, when IBM was shooting a commercial in his southwestern Zaire village. During a break in shooting, which shows African villagers eagerly teleconferencing via computer with Japanese schoolchildren, Ndeti snuck onto the set and took the modem, which he believed would serve well as a "smashing" utensil.
    IBM officials were not surprised more...

    KABINDA, ZAIRE-In a move IBM office are hailing as a major step in the
    company's ongoing worldwide telecommunications revolution, M'wana Ndeti,
    a member of Zaire's Bantu tribe, used an IBM global uplink network modem
    yesterday to crush a nut.
    Ndeti, who spent 20 minutes trying to open the nut by hand, easily
    cracked it open by smashing it repeatedly with the powerful modem. "I could not
    crush the nut by myself," said the 47-year-old Ndeti, who added the savory
    nut to a thick, peanut-based soup minutes later. "With IBM's help, I was
    able to break it."
    Ndeti discovered the nut-breaking, 28.8 V.34 modem yesterday, when IBM was
    shooting a commercial in his southwestern Zaire village. During a break in
    shooting, which shows African villagers eagerly teleconferencing via
    computer with Japanese schoolchildren, Ndeti snuck onto the set and took the
    modem, which he believed would serve well as a "smashing" more...

    Top Ten Good Things About Global Warming
    10. Domino's Pizza will not be almost room temperature when it arrives.
    9. No more snow for Giants fans to throw.
    8. Outside chance the cast of "Friends" will spontaneously combust.
    7. Boardrooms across America will begin to look like those naked pictures in National Geographic.
    6. Ed Sullivan Theater will heat up to a balmy 34 degrees.
    5. Fat guys can make their own gravy.
    4. Canada will be able to use a whopping 9% of its landmass.
    3. Real bacon will be sold on the streets of New York City (cut to vendor).
    2. Can get to see what Michael Jackson really looks like when his face melts.
    1. Higher temperature = more golf courses = greater chance O.J. will catch real killers.

    Everyone is talking about things like hybrid cars and solar panels as ways to save energy and stem the tide of gloabal warming, but these methods are expensive and inconvenient. That's why DailyComedy is offering ways to help the environment that, although almost completely ineffective, aren't overly burdensome.
    So here they are, in no particular order: The five least effective ways to combat global warming:

    5. Lose the electric toothbrush. The jury is still out on whether electric toothbrushes are better at removing plaque than the old-fashioned kind. So why not save precious electricity and get a light workout at the same time?
    4. Try parking in the driveway now and then instead of driving all the way into the garage. When the weather is mild, you can use this technique to save (literally) pennies worth of gas.
    3. The less a car weighs, the less power it requires and the more fuel-efficient it is. But even if you drive an SUV, you can still lighten the load by more...

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