Yo momma's glasses are so thick she can see into the future.
A man comes home late one night, drunk.
"Where have you been?" asks his wife.
"In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!"
This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar.
"Do you have golden chairs?"
"Do you have golden glasses?"
"Do you have golden beer?"
"Do you have a golden urinal?"
On the other end, she hears "I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in your saxophone."
Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex.
Then again, maybe he does...
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to fuck me?
Sweetheart: We're in my more...
A blonde guy goes to a local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray glasses. He checks them out, and isn't fully convinced, but the store manager comes along and closes the deal.
On his way home, he puts on his new x-ray glasses and can't believe his eyes. He sees everyone in the street naked. He takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on. He puts the glasses back on, and everyone is naked!
He rushes home and is eager to show his new toy to his wife, but he can't find her. He goes up to the bedroom where he finds his wife and the mailman, naked in bed. He takes his glasses off, and the two are still naked. He puts them back on, and they're still naked.
"Damn!" he says. "I just paid fifty bucks for these and they're already broken!"
An old snake went to his doctor and told him, "Doc, I think I need something for my eyes. I don't seem to see very well nowadays."
The doctor fixed him up with a pair of glasses and told him to return in a couple of weeks for a check up.
When he returned two weeks later, the doctor asked him how his vision was since he had the new glasses.
"Great," replied the snake. "Only problem is, now I'm very depressed."
"Why are you depressed?" asked the doctor. "Didn't the glasses help?"
"Oh, the glasses are great, doc," replied the snake. "The problem is, when I got home with them, I realized I've been sleeping with a garden hose for the past couple of years."