Fruit Jokes / Recent Jokes

Favorite Fruit

Hot 6 years ago

One day, three travelers were going through the mountains when they came upon a farmhouse. They asked the farmer if they could stay the night and the farmer said ok, but they were not to have sex with his daughter.
That night, the farmer caught them having sex with his daughter. He said, "Ok, it's the first time this has happened so I'll go easy on you guys. Go to my garden, pick fifty of your favorite fruit, and shove them up your ass."
The first guy shoved fifty cherries up his ass and was crying.
The second guy shoved fifty apples up his ass and he was crying too, but then started laughing.
"What's wrong with you?" the farmer asked. "Didn't you learn to cry?"
"I'm laughing," the guy replied, "because the third guy's favorite fruit is watermelon."

Fruit Cake Recipe

Hot 3 years ago

Fruit Cake Recipe
1 c water
1 c butter
4 lg. eggs
1 btl WHISKEY
8 oz mixed nuts
1 tsp. salt
juice of one lemon
1 c brown sugar
2 c dried fruit
1 tsp baking powder
Sample whiskey to check quality. Take a large bowl. Re-sample whiskey to ensure it is of the highest quality. Pour one cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one tsp. of sugar and beat again. Make sure whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn on the mixerer. Break two eggs and add to the bowl, chuck in the dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If fried druit gets stuck in beaterers, pry loos with a drewscriver. Sample whiskey to check for tonsiscency. Next sift two cups of salt...or something...who cares? Check whiskey again. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the more...

Fruit rollup

Hot 1 year ago

What do call a gay person in a sleepingbag
Fruit rollup

How to make a fruitcake!:
1 C water
1 C sugar
4 large eggs
2 C dried fruit
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1 C brown sugar
Lemon juice
Nuts
1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey
Directions:
1. Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
2. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.
3. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
4. Turn on the electric mixer; beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
5. Add one tsp. sugar and beat again.
6. Be sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup.
7. Turn off the mixer.
8. Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
9. Mix on the turner.
10. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
11. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
12. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares.
13. Check the whiskey.
14. Now sift the lemon more...

'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual
yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity
was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that
species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously
suspended from the forward edge of the wood-burning caloric apparatus, pursuant
to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric
philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St.
Nicholas.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective
accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations
of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebra. My
conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal cranial coverings, were about
to take slumbrous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous
exterior more...

Rum Cake
Before you start, sample the rum and check for good quality.
Good, isn't it?
Now select a large mixing bowl, measuring cups, spatula, etc.
(Check that rum again for quality. It must be just right!
Try it again.)
With an electric beater, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy
bowl. Add one tsp. sugar and beat again. (Meanwhile, make certain
that rum is of best quality.)
Add two large eggs and two cups of dried fruit and beat until very
high. If fruit gets stuck in the beater, pry it out with a
screwdriver. (Sample rum again, checking for consistency.)
Next, sift in three (2) cups of baking powder and add a pinch
of rum, one seaspoon of soda and one cupa papper...(or maybe
salt?) Anyway, don't fret, just taste that rum again. Good
stuff.
Next, sift in a half pint of lemon juice, fold in chopped buttermilk
and strained nuts. Sample rum again.
Now, one bablespoon srown sugar, or whatever more...

A duck walks into a general store and asks the manager," Gotany fresh fruit?""No.""Got any fresh vegetables?""No. We have only canned and dry goods."The next day, the duck returns."Got any fresh fruit?""No.""Got any fresh vegetables?""No. I told you yesterday, we have only canned and dry goods. If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same question, I'll nail your flippers to the floor."On the 3rd day, the duck walks in and asks,"Got any nails?""No.""Got any fresh fruit?"