A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch. Slowly they rocked in rhythm, as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK hit her husband across the shins.His eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks. When he finally caught his breath he gasped and asked, "What'd you do that fer?"""That's fer fifty years of bad sex," she said.He nodded his head, but said nothing. Slowly they began to rock again. Again they kept pace. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked, until suddenly the man stopped, and picked up his cane. He reached over and with a loud, sharp WHACK, he hit his wife across the shins.As soon as her eyes quit watering and she could speak she asked, "What was that fer?"That," said her husband as he began to rock again, "is fer knowin' the more...
After it was all over and Noah lowered the ramp of the ark for all the
animals to leave, he told the animals "To go forth and multiply."All the animals left except two snakes who lay quietly in the corner of the
ark."Why can't you go forth and multiply?" demanded Noah."We can't," answered the snakes. "We're adders."
A Lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the forth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "
Well your Honor, it was like this. When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, "
The Gold Dust Twins are coming,"
and I had to smile. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "
Sloan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,"
and I had to grin. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "
William's Big Stick Did The Trick"
, and I could hardly control myself. BUT-when she moved the forth time and sat under a sign that said more...
A Priest gets a call from one of his golfing buddies on a Saturday afternoon. "We've got a tee time at 3:00 and need a fourth...can you make it?"Sadly the priest tells his friend that he has to hear confessions and cannot make it. His friend urges him to get a substitute. Well, being the only priest in this parish, he hasn't many choices. As he ponders his dilemma, he sees the custodian cleaning the church."Hey, Joe...can you help me out??" He explains his dilemma and asks Joe if he would hear confessions for him."Oh, no I wouldn't have any idea what to do!!"."Joe, don't worry...I have this card, you see. When someone confesses their sin, you look on the card...find the sin...and follow it over to the appropriate penance...it's that simple...here comes the first penetant...try it!!"So Joe goes into the confessional and the first penetant comes in and kneels before the screen..."Bless me Father...I have sinned...I have had impure more...
And God populated the Earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger.
And Satan said to Man "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super size them". And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds.
And God said "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits and shredded cheese.
And there was ice cream for dessert. And Woman gained pounds.
And God said "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried more...