Forget Jokes / Recent Jokes

God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference...

A Woman's Random Thoughts

Skinny people tick me off! Especially when they say things like,' You know, sometimes I forget to eat.' You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't care.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative, but I heard from it the other day after I said,' Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?' Clear as a bell my body said,' listen wench...do it and die.'

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him).

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 20 can more...

A couple in their nineties is having problems remembering things, so they decide to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?"

"To the kitchen," he replies.

She asks, " Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

The husband says, "Sure"

She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He says, "No, I can remember that!"

She then says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down' cause I know you'll forget it."

He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She adds, "I'd also like whipped more...

"The gene pool could use a little chlorine." "All generalizations are false." "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine." "Time is what keeps everything from happening at once." "I love cats...they taste just like chicken" "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes." "Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle." "Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons." "Born Free... Taxed to Death" "Cover me. I'm changing lanes." "As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools" "Happiness is a belt-fed weapon" "The more people I meet, the more I like my dog." "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot." "Conserve toilet paper, use both sides." "REHAB is for quitters" "I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!" "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her more...

From a little book called "Disorder in the Court". These are things that people actually said in court, word for word. Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. Q: This myasthenia gravis--does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? Q: How old is your son--the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and500. Q: Sir, what is more...

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I more...

FLATTERY - What your kid does when they want something.
EAT VEGETABLES - What your kid does when they want desert. Usually.
BEG, CRY, or WHINE - What your kid does when they want something you don't want to give them.
CALL - What your kid does when they get a good grade.
"FORGET" TO CALL - What your kid does when they do NOT get a good grade.
BRUSH TEETH - What your kid promises to do so you will let them eat candy. And then they forget.
DRINK MILK - What your kid does after they heat it up and add hot chocolate powder.
SPILL WATER - What your kid does when they want to drink soda instead.
DROP THEIR LUNCH - What your kid does when they don't like what you made for them.
PRETEND TO SLEEP - What your kid does when they don't want to talk.
READ - What your kid does when you buy them a new comic book.
DO HOMEWORK - What your kid does only when you yell at them.
USE THE COMPUTER - What your kid does, all the time.