Florida Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    These Two Fleas...

    Hot 8 years ago

    These two fleas are sitting in Florida. One is shivering like crazy, saying "that has got to be the coldest ride I have ever had in my life!"
    "How did you get here?" asks the other flea.
    "I was in the moustache of some guy riding his motorcycle down the freeway."
    "That is no way to travel to Florida" says the flea."Here is what you do. Go to the airport and find a lounge. Have a sip of someone's drink so you are relaxed. Find a really pretty girl and crawl up her leg and under her dress.G o inside her panties and you will find a nice warm place to curl up and fall asleep. The next thing you know, you are in Florida! Remember that for next time.We will get together next year and you can tell me how it went!"
    The following year, the two fleas are back in Florida and the first
    one is shivering like crazy. "That is the coldest f*%#in' ride to
    Florida I have had in my life!!!"
    "What happened to the more...

    Four guys were driving cross country together-one from Idaho, one from Iowa,
    one from Florida and the last one from New York.
    A bit down the road the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag
    and begins throwing them out the window.
    The man from Iowa turns to him and asks "What the hell are you doing?". The
    man from Idaho says, "Man, we have SO MANY of these damned things in Idaho,
    they're laying on the ground - I'm sick of looking at them!!!"
    A few miles down the road, the man from Iowa begins pulling husks of corn
    from his bag and throwing them out the window.
    The man from Florida asks "What are you doing that for?". The man from Iowa
    replies, "Man, we have so many of these damned things in Iowa that I am SICK
    of looking at them!!"
    Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes
    the New Yorker out!

    Dumb Crooks Roundup

    Hot 6 years ago

    BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES...THEY COULD COME IN HANDY A repeat offender got alife sentence for a small-time shoplifting caper in Jupiter, Florida. The man stole $49.73worth of boxer shorts, panties, a sports bra and some cigarette lighters from a Wal-Martstore. His fatal mistake was flashing a knife at a security guard - which turned hispetty theft into a felony. Since the man had been released from prison less than threeyears ago, Florida's repeat offender law required the judge to send him away for lifewithout the possibility of parole.INSULT TO INJURY An unemployed sanitationworker in Miami is also facing life in prison - for shooting himself in the privates. Ina drunken stupor, the man reached for a pistol he had hidden in his pants. The gun wentoff, and the bullet struck the man in the... nuggets. At first, he told officers someoneelse had shot him, but changed his story after paramedics found the shell casing in hisunderwear. Cops ruled the shooting accidental, but the man more...

    The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:
    I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
    I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response... click.
    A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state."
    I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from more...

    The Ultimate Computer

    Hot 4 years ago

    The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line.
    When the guided tour arrived, a salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This baby here," he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. Ask it any question you wish and it will give you an intelligent answer."
    A smartass stepped forward and asked the computer, "Where is my father?"
    Suddenly, the electronic gears went to work. Lights flashed, wheels buzzed and within seconds, a small card popped out. The card read, "Fishing Off Florida."
    "Ha!" laughed the smartass. "Actually, my father is dead! That was a trick question."
    The quick thinking salesman immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps he might like to try rephrasing his question and try again.
    "Ok," the smartass said, "where is my mother's husband?"
    Again more...

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