Fireplace Jokes / Recent Jokes

I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local #209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan.
As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind. However, I am certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.
His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls. However, there are a few differences between us such as:
There is no danger of The Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
Instead of milk and cookies, more...

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be serving the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population on earth, my contract has been renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves. I now serve only certain areas of Indiana, Illinois, Michigan, Ohio and Wisconsin.
As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind.
However, I am certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. While he shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls, there are a few differences between us...
There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. Bubba has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.
Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that more...

Why did the elf put his bed in the fireplace? Because he wanted to sleep like a log!

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following carefully.
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies.
However, I’m certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us…
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads: “These toys more...

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace
before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they
say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas
morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor panty hose
hung sadly empty and grew increasingly threadbare.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and a fake
beard and went in search of an inflatable love doll. Of course, they don't sell
those things at Wal-mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If
you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself.
I was there almost three hours saying things like, "What does this do?"
"You're kidding me!" "Who owns that?" "Do you have their phone number?"
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a more...

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated....
Please read the following carefully.......

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to
serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current
population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies
and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana,
Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I
also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm
certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement
who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.

His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering
toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences
between us.

Differences such as:

There is no danger of a Grinch more...

Dear ya'll
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able
to serve your area on Christmas Eve. Because of recent changes in my union
contract renegotiated by North American Elves Local 209, I now serve only
eastern Canada, certain areas of Wisconsin and the Michigan Upper Peninsula.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with my
replacement, my third cousin by my first wife, from the South Pole, Bubba
Claus. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls,
but there are a few differences between us, such as:
* There is no danger of a Grinch's stealing presents from Bubba Claus, who has
a gun rack in his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
* Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC
and pork skins on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He does
dip more...