Figures Jokes / Recent Jokes

Ancient History Explained...A team of archaeologists found a slab of rock with 5 figures carved on it, in order:A Woman, A Donkey, A Shovel, A Fish, A Star of David. After months of study, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were thousands of years old but even so, they revealed a lot about the people of that time.The woman being placed first in the line of figures showed that women were held in very high esteem - most likely a family oriented culture.They probably used the donkey to till the fields.The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools.The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea.The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people.A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker.When acknowledged he said, "I'm sorry to blow your conclusions but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from more...

A grandmother and her granddaughter were walking down the sidewalk when they come across two dogs having sex.
"What are they doing gramndma"? asks the little girl.
"Well honey, the one on top has hurt his paw and the one on the bottom is carrying him to the vet."
"Figures!" says the little girl.
"What do you mean figures?" asked grandma.
The little girl looks up at her and says, "Well everytime you try to give someone a helping hand, you end up getting screwed!"

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
"Hi, is Hank home?" he asks.
"No, I'm sorry, he's out running some errands," she replies.
"Would you mind if I wait?" he asks.
"No, that would be fine. Come on in," she says.
They go into the kitchen, sit down, and the guy says, "You know, Laura, you have the most beautiful breasts I've ever seen. I'll give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Laura thinks about it for a second and figures what the heck. She opens her robe and lets him see one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit a while longer and Ben says, "They really are so beautiful. I just have to see both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see both of them together."
Laura thinks about it and figures what the heck. She opens her robe and gives Ben a nice long look. He thanks her, throws more...

A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange."
Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange.
Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."
Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?"
The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago.
The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress.
Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening."
"I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason.
He asks the guy, "How's your more...

The manager of a ladies' dress shop decided it was time to have a serious talk with one of her sales clerks. "Janet, your figures are well below any of our other sales clerks'. I'm sorry to say that unless you can improve your record soon, we will have to let you go."
"I'm sorry, ma'am," Janet humbly replied. "Is there any advice you could give me on how to do better?"
"There is an older trick I can tell you about," the manager said. "It may sound silly, but it has worked for me in the past. Get hold of a dictionary and go through it until you come to a word that has particular power for you. Memorize it and work it into your sales pitch whenever it seems appropriate. You'll be amazed at the results."
Sure enough, Janet's sales figures improved, and at the end of the month the manager called her in again and congratulated her. "Did you try my little trick?" she asked.
"Yes," Janet nodded. "It more...

Ancient History Explained... A team of archaeologists found a slab of rock with 5 figures carved on it, in order: A Woman, A Donkey, A Shovel, A Fish, A Star of David. After months of study, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were thousands of years old but even so, they revealed a lot about the people of that time. The woman being placed first in the line of figures showed that women were held in very high esteem - most likely a family oriented culture. They probably used the donkey to till the fields. The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools. The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea. The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people. A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker. When acknowledged he said, "I'm sorry to blow your conclusions but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we more...

The manager of ladies' dress shop realized it was time to give one her sale clerks a' pep talk'.

"Jane, your figures are well below any of our other salespeople's. In fact, unless you can improve your sales record soon, I'm afraid you'll have to let you go."

"I'm sorry, Ma'am," said a humbled Jane. "Can you give me any advice on how to do better?"

"Well, there is an old trick I can tell you about. It sounds silly, but it's worked for me in the past. Get hold of a dictionary and go through it until you come to a word that had particular power for you. Memorize it, work it into your sales pitch whenever it seems appropriate, and
you'll be amazed at the results."

Sure enough, Jane's sales figures went way up, and at the end of the month, the manager called her in again and congratulated her. "Did you try my little trick?" she asked.

Jane nodded. "It took me a whole weekend more...