Figures Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Special Family

    Hot 1 year ago

    A
    guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always
    wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads
    in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day
    he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for
    sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed
    to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about
    it with the owner.
    "This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you
    gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.
    "Well," says the seller, "it's pretty
    simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside
    and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.
    It protects it from the rain. In
    fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my
    tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it."
    and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.
    The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker.
    He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's
    ecstatic (being a Harley more...

    Weird Hobbies

    Hot 1 year ago

    A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."
    Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason.
    He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, more...

    A grandmother and her granddaughter were walking down the sidewalk when they come across two dogs having sex.
    "What are they doing gramndma"? asks the little girl.
    "Well honey, the one on top has hurt his paw and the one on the bottom is carrying him to the vet."
    "Figures!" says the little girl.
    "What do you mean figures?" asked grandma.
    The little girl looks up at her and says, "Well everytime you try to give someone a helping hand, you end up getting screwed!"

    A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
    "Hi, is Hank home?" he asks.
    "No, I'm sorry, he's out running some errands," she replies.
    "Would you mind if I wait?" he asks.
    "No, that would be fine. Come on in," she says.
    They go into the kitchen, sit down, and the guy says, "You know, Laura, you have the most beautiful breasts I've ever seen. I'll give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
    Laura thinks about it for a second and figures what the heck. She opens her robe and lets him see one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
    They sit a while longer and Ben says, "They really are so beautiful. I just have to see both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see both of them together."
    Laura thinks about it and figures what the heck. She opens her robe and gives Ben a nice long look. He thanks her, throws more...

    A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange."
    Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange.
    Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."
    Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?"
    The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago.
    The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress.
    Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening."
    "I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason.
    He asks the guy, "How's your more...

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