For those of you who question whether you are in love, in lust, or really married, the following descriptions may help to clear things up.
Love - When intercourse is called - making love.
Lust - When intercourse is called - screwing.
Marriage - What's intercourse?
Love - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
Lust - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
Marriage - When you lose your child in a crowded room.
Love - When you share everything you own.
Lust - When you steal everything they own.
Marriage - When the bank owns everything.
Love - When it doesn't matter if you don't reach a climax.
Lust - When the relationship ends if you don't reach a climax.
Marriage - What's a climax?
Love - When you phone each other just to say Hi.
Lust - When you phone each other to choose a hotel room.
Marriage - When you phone each other to bitch.
Love - When you write poems about your partner.
Lust - When all you write is more...
A retiring boss wanted everyone to express their good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card on his farewell party.
He could then remember how his staff "missed" him. Most staff members were writing standard phrases like, "Without you, the company will never be the same," "We will always remember you," etc.
The boss was not satisfied and asked, "I need something from the bottom of your heart... Peter, you have been working with me for the last 40 years. You are my best staff. What do you have to say?"
Slowly but firmly, Peter wrote, "The best news in 40 years."
Three Generals got pensioned at the same time and they had a farewell party in NY. As a farewell present the men had got a sponsor to sponsor money for the Generals.
The idea was: “Give two points on your body, we will measure the difference between thw points and for every foot you will get 1000 USD”.
The Air force General “The top of my head and the botton of my feet” This was measured 6 feet 2? and he got 6000USD.
The Navy General streched his hand to the left and his foot to the right said “My left forefinger and my right big toe”. The distance was 8 feet and he got 8000 USD.
The Infanatry General: “From my nose to my dick! ” Everyone was astonished but he said “masure. ” The guy with the measuring tape: “But were is your Dick?? ”
General “In Viet-Nam! ”
A young woman married and had 9 children.
Her husband died and she soon married again and had 7 more children.
Again, her husband died, but she remarried and this time had 4 children. Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandments to "Go forth and multiply".
In his final eulogy, he noted, "Thank you, Lord, that they are finally together."
Leaning over to his neighbor, one mourner asked: "Do you think he means her first, her second or her third husband?"
The other mourner replied, "I think he means her legs."
I was able to get my hands on George Bush’s farewell speech, which he will give on his last day in office. It goes like this:
“My fellow Americans.
Good luck everybody!”