In my own words: "I was flying from SFO to PDX on Friday, and the flight attendant reading the flight safety information had the whole plane looking at each other like' what the heck?' (Getting PDX people to look at each other is an accomplishment.) So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but this is most of it."
"Hello, and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to Portland. If you're going to Portland, you're in the right place. If you're not going to Portland, you're about to have a really long evening."
"We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is...The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now."
"There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're more...
Three hockey fans were driving along when they spied a body in the underbrush. Stopping their car, the three guys ran over to see what they could do. Unfortunately, they found the nude body of a deceased young woman.
Being gentlemen, the first guy dropped his Vancouver Canuck's hat over one breast. The second guy, a Boston Bruin fan, placed his hat over the other breast. The Montreal Canadien fan then placed his hat over the woman's very private part.
Soon the police arrived. The coroner started checking over the body. He picked up the Canuck's hat and quickly placed it back. He then picked up the Bruin's hat and returned it. Then he picked up the Hab's fan's hat, put it down, then picked it up again inspecting the hat more closely, and then put it down. Then he picked it up a third time.
By this time, the Hab's fan was a bit irritated and he asked, "Why do you keep picking up that hat? Are you some kind of pervert or something?" The coroner more...
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a NY METS fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Met fans too.
Not really knowing what a METS fan was but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not a METS fan,"
Then, asks the teacher, what are you?"
"Why I'm proud to be a Yankees fan," boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red.
She asks Lucy why she is a Yankees fan. "Well, My Dad and Mom are Yankee fans, and I'm a Yankee fan too,"
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
An Alabama fan was driving down a country road when he came upon two Auburn football players hitchiking. He told the Auburn players to jump in the back of his pick-up truck. He then drove down the dirt road rather fast and lost control of the truck as they were going around a curve. The truck landed in a lake. The Alabama fan scrambled to the surface and swam to the bank. When he looked back at the lake, the two Auburn football players were still sitting in the bed of the truck looking frantic.
As the truck began sinking the Bama fan yelled for the Auburn players to get out truck, to which they replied, "We`re tryin` to get out, but we can`t get the dang tailgate open!"
Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the
They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk.
Out of respect and propriety the Cubs fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast.
The Red Sox fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead the Yankee fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.
The police were called and when the officer arrived he
conducted his inspection. First he lifted up the Cubs cap
replaced it and wrote down some notes. Next he lifted the
Sox cap replaced it and wrote down some more notes.
The officer then lifted the Yankees cap replaced it then lifted it again replaced it lifted it a third time and replaced it one last time.
The Yankee fan was getting upset and finally asked What
are you a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and