In my own words: "I was flying from SFO to PDX on Friday, and the flight attendant reading the flight safety information had the whole plane looking at each other like' what the heck?' (Getting PDX people to look at each other is an accomplishment.) So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but this is most of it."
"Hello, and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to Portland. If you're going to Portland, you're in the right place. If you're not going to Portland, you're about to have a really long evening."
"We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is...The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now."
"There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're more...
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a NY METS fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Met fans too.
Not really knowing what a METS fan was but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not a METS fan,"
Then, asks the teacher, what are you?"
"Why I'm proud to be a Yankees fan," boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red.
She asks Lucy why she is a Yankees fan. "Well, My Dad and Mom are Yankee fans, and I'm a Yankee fan too,"
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
An Alabama fan was driving down a country road when he came upon two Auburn football players hitchiking. He told the Auburn players to jump in the back of his pick-up truck. He then drove down the dirt road rather fast and lost control of the truck as they were going around a curve. The truck landed in a lake. The Alabama fan scrambled to the surface and swam to the bank. When he looked back at the lake, the two Auburn football players were still sitting in the bed of the truck looking frantic.
As the truck began sinking the Bama fan yelled for the Auburn players to get out truck, to which they replied, "We`re tryin` to get out, but we can`t get the dang tailgate open!"
Three hockey fans were driving along when they spied a body in the underbrush. Stopping their car, the three guys ran over to see what they could do. Unfortunately, they found the nude body of a deceased young woman.
Being gentlemen, the first guy dropped his Vancouver Canuck's hat over one breast. The second guy, a Boston Bruin fan, placed his hat over the other breast. The Montreal Canadien fan then placed his hat over the woman's very private part.
Soon the police arrived. The coroner started checking over the body. He picked up the Canuck's hat and quickly placed it back. He then picked up the Bruin's hat and returned it. Then he picked up the Hab's fan's hat, put it down, then picked it up again inspecting the hat more closely, and then put it down. Then he picked it up a third time.
By this time, the Hab's fan was a bit irritated and he asked, "Why do you keep picking up that hat? Are you some kind of pervert or something?" The coroner more...
Four football fans go rock climbing one afternoon: a Patriots fan, a Falcons fan, an Eagles fan, and a Steelers fan. They had been arguing all the way up the mountain about who among them was the most "die-hard" fan.
Upon reaching the top of the mountain, the Patriots fan proclaimed to the other three... "This is for the New England Patriots!" and promptly threw himself off the mountain as a form of sacrifice.
Not to be outdone by a Patriots fan, the Falcons fan jumped up and said... "This is for the Atlanta Falcons!" and then threw himself off the mountain, again as a form of sacrifice.
Refusing to be outdone by the Patriots and Falcons fans, the Steelers fan rose to his feet and yelled at the top of his lungs, "This is for the Pittsburgh Steelers!" and without hesitation, pushed the Philadelphia Eagles fan off the mountain.