Family Jokes / Recent Jokes

The following are the top three winners from a "Most Embarrassing Moments" contest in New Woman Magazine:
No. 1
"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving *right now*, she would be punished.
"To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing!
"I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter."
No. 2
"It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, more...

Here is a little test that will help you decide

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think? What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have more...

Garn Collingwood

Hot 1 year ago

I think this family is from Broady (Broadmeadows). Broadmeadows is a suburb of Melbourne Australia with a good reputation. There is no love lost between the following 2 AFL Football Teams.

A family of Collingwood supporters head out one Saturday morning to do their Christmas shoplifting. While in Rebel sports, the son picks up an Essendon football jumper and says to his 20 year old sister "I've decided to become a Bomber supporter i would like this for Christmas".

His sister, outraged by this, promptly whacks him around the head with her carton of Winfield and says, "Go talk to Mum". Off goes the little lad with Essendon jumper in hand to find his Mum.

"Mum?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided to be an Essendon supporter and I would like this jumper for Christmas".

The mother is outraged by this and throws her moccasins and full V. B. tinnie at him, promptly whacks him around the more...

Holiday Party Memo

Hot 1 year ago

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2009

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty



Company more...

You know

Hot 1 year ago

You know your a redneck if u go to a family renuion looking for a girlfriend

The Legacy

Hot 1 year ago

The Smith family was very proud of the fact that their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. As a legacy for their children, they hired a top-notch author to research and write a book about their family history.
Much to their horror, it was discovered that Great-uncle Clarence had been executed in the electric chair for committing murder. Devastated, they didn't want that to be revealed in the book, but felt that they didn't want Great-uncle Clarence to be omitted either. After voicing their concerns to the author, he assured them that he could handle everything tactfully.
When the book came out, the section on Great-uncle Clarence read:-
'Great-uncle Clarence occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution. He was attached to his position by the strongest of ties and his death came as a great shock.'

Family Problems

Hot 1 year ago

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation.
One of them kept complaining of family problems.
Finally, the other man said: "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation.
"A few years ago, I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter.
"We got married and I got myself a stepdaughter. Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter, my step-mother, and my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.
"Much later, the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son.
"This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son.
"But he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grand-son. That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.
"This was nothing, until my wife and I had a baby. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother.
"This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose more...