Excessive Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    A farmer's wife was at her lawyer's getting advice about a divorce.
    "He makes excessive sexual demands on me, Mr. Jones."
    "How do you mean?"
    "Well, Mr. Jones," says the farmer's wife, "this morning I was looking at the chickens, when he crept up behind me and had me from behind!"
    "Chickens? Mrs. Smith, I didn't know you kept chickens."
    "We don't, Mr. Jones, we were at the Safeway supermarket!"

    A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back of the herd that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole herd is maintained or even improved by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass.
    Recent emiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. Thus, regular consumption of spirits helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job-related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of completing university studies more...

    A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle.Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a more...

    Avoid models that stall during use.
    Check the odo(ur)meter regularly.
    Avoid completely blocking the air intake.
    Take care not to allow too much steam or moisture to build up when away from home.
    Keep locked in the garage when not in use.
    Ensure any problems are clearly expressed on the facia.
    Check for pulling attachments.
    Security: ensure no Joy riders can get their hands on it.
    If necessary, fit an alarm.
    See if the coil needs replacing.
    Take it for a good thrash around
    Are you allowed to take passengers with this model?
    Watch out for nasty emissions.
    Keep all leather accessories in order.
    If necessary, fit a silencer.
    Or use the choke and throttle properly.
    For your own safety, never attempt to handle when drunk.
    Check the hooters. If necessary, give it the horn.
    Verify that airbags come out when required. Fit extra padding if necessary.
    NEVER let your friends have a go.
    Never make the mistake of more...

    While we believe we will be fully Y2K compliant by January 1, 2000, and most of our subsidiary units and contractors claim they will also be fully compliant, we obviously need to make some preparations in case unexpected challenges impair our ability to meet the needs of our customers.
    Enclosed with this memo is a "Y2K Backup System" device designed to meet short time emergency needs in case of a computer operations failure, or operational delay. This device is the company's Primary Emergency Network Computer Interface Liaison device (P.E.N.C.I.L.).
    This device has been field tested extensively, including certification testing, as well as volume and stress testing. Properly maintained, the device meets all the requirements for coding and data input. Prior to use, the (P.E.N.C.I.L.) will require preparation and testing. Tools and supplies required will be: A sharpened knife or grinding device;and a supply of computer paper (with or without holes).
    Gripping the more...

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