Everywhere Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    A Texan died and ascended into Heaven. St. Peter met him and welcomed him, saying "You will certainly enjoy Paradise."
    The Texan shook his head sadly and said "I always thought that TEXAS was Paradise."
    St. Peter said "Well, let me show you what we have to offer." He took the Texan to an area that had a beautiful river flowing through it with wildlife and flowers everywhere. "Isn't this beautiful?" said St. Peter
    The Texan replied, "Yes, but not as pretty as the area around SAN ANTONIO."
    Somewhat ruffled, St. Peter took him to another area where there were rolling hills, white tail deer and bluebonnets and Indian Paintbrush everywhere. "Now" said St. Peter "Have you ever seen anything so wonderful?"
    The Texan paused and said "Yes, it is beautiful but it does not hold a candle to the TEXAS HILL COUNTRY in the springtime."
    Becoming more upset, St. Peter then took the Texan to a more...

    Murphy's Laws Of Parenting...A child will not spill on a dirty floor.A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first, the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster.A young child is a noise with dirt on it.A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.Celibacy is not hereditary.Familiarity breeds children.For adult education, nothing beats children.God invented mothers because he couldn't be everywhere at once and God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.Having children will turn you into your parents.If a child looks like his father, that's heredity; if he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.Insanity is inherited; you get it from more...

    I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

    What is a Cat?

    1. Cats do what they want.
    2. They rarely listen to you.
    3. They're totally unpredictable.
    4. They whine when they are not happy.
    5. When you want to play they want to be alone.
    6. When you want to be alone they want to play.
    7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
    8. They're moody.
    9. They leave hair everywhere.
    10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

    Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

    ~ ~ ~ ~

    What is a Dog?

    1. Dogs lie around all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
    2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
    3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
    4. They growl when they are not happy.
    5. When you want to play they want to play.
    6. When you want to be alone they want to play.
    7. They are more...

    CATS, DOGS & HUMANS
    1. What is a cat?
    Cats do what they want.
    They rarely listen to you.
    They are totally unpredictable.
    When you want to play, they want to be alone.
    When you want to be alone, they want to play.
    They expect you to cater to their every whim.
    They are moody.
    They leave hair everywhere.
    They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
    Conclusion: They are tiny women in fur coats.
    ---
    2. What is a dog?
    Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable
    piece of furniture in the house.
    They can hear a package of food opening half a block away,
    but they don't hear you when you are in the same room.
    They growl when they are not happy.
    When you want to play, they want to play.
    When you want to be alone, they want to play.
    They are great at begging.
    They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
    They leave their toys everywhere.
    They do disgusting things with their more...

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