Everybody Jokes / Recent Jokes

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since
nobody listens.

Perfect man!

Hot 3 months ago

Joe walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Bryan."
"Who?"
"Bryan Smith. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Bryan."
"There are always a few clouds over everybody," says Joe.
"Not Bryan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."
"He was something, huh?"
"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and I black out the whole neighborhood."
"No wonder you remember him."
"Well, I never actually met Bryan."
"Then how do you know so more...

Call From Hell

Hot 2 years ago

Queen Elizabeth II, George W Bush & Robert Mugabe died & went straight to hell.Queen Elizabeth II said "I miss Britain, I want to call Britain and see how everybody is doing there. She called and talked for about 5 minutes, then her Majesty asked "Well, Devil how much do I owe you? The devil replied "Five million dollars" She wrote him a cheque and went to sit back on her chair.George Bush was so jealous, he began screaming, "My turn! I wanna call the United States, I want to see how everybody is doing there too" He called and talked for about 10 minutes, then he asked "Well, Devil how much do I owe you? The devil replied "Ten million dollars" With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back on his chair.Robert Mugabe was even more jealous & started screaming, "I want to call Zimbabwe, I want to see how everybody is doing there. I wanna talk to the ministers, to the deputy, I wanna talk to everybody". He called more...

I got this message detailing a first day of class experience from a
friend of a friend. His name is Kevin Stone, and he goes to Clemson
University.
Just a friendly reminder-look for door numbers...
So I'm looking for a class in Newman Hall- actually, I was looking
for Newman Hall- and, I thought i'd found it. no sign- no main
entrance.
So I walk around the building and find what I perceive to be an acutal
door with and actual doorknob. So I opened it.
Inside was a room at least 150x50- maybe half a football field- maybe
more- black concrete- 20ft ceiling.
Two guys in white overcoats.
A cow. Upside-down with hooves pointing into the air.
On some type of cart.
A chainsaw.
They were as embarrased to see me as I was to see them.
Everybody stared at everybody else for about 6 sec. (except the cow,
who was not facing me.) And I shut the door.
"Not econ."
I wasn't more than 10ft away from the door when I more...

(Told over the holidays by my Lutheran mother-in-law.)
A recently demised fellow was being given a tour of Heaven. St. Peter
explained that Heaven not only had room enough for everybody, there were
rooms for everybody.
He opened the first door, explaining, ''This is the Catholic room,'' and
inside the new arrival could see a large group of people kneeling and
saying Hail Mary.
The next room was a noisy one-shouts of ''Amen!'' and ''Hallelujah!''
could be heard through the door. ''The Baptist room,'' explained Peter.
The third room was silent, filled with contemplative souls.
''Presbyterians,'' Peter said.
When they came to the fourth room, Peter stopped the newcomer. ''Shh!''
he said. ''Be very quiet. These are the Lutherans, and they don't think
anybody else is here.''

1)Yo mama is like a vacuum cleaner she sucks, blows, and gets laid in the closet.
2)Yo mama is like a shotgun one cock and shes ready to blow.
3)Yo mama is like a door knob everybody gets a turn
4)Yo mama is like a loli pop everybody gets a lick
5)Yo mama is like the pillsbury doughboy whenever she gets poked she goes woo-hoo!
6)Yo mama is like a racecar she burns 50 rubbers a day.
7)Yo mama is so fat that when she went outside with a yellow raincoat all the children said here come the school bus.
8)Yo mama is so poor I saw her kicking a can down the street I asked her what she was doing and she said moving.

1. Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.
2. Love affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.
3. Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master
4. Divorce: Future tense of marriage
5. Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students "without passing through the minds of either".
6. Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
7. Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
8. Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power.
9. Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage.
10. Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.
11. Ecstasy: A more...