English Jokes / Recent Jokes

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant not ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetraian more...

An English anthropologist was doing research in an isolated African village and the tribal chief asked if he would like to attend a trial his people were conducting that afternoon.
"You'll be surprised," said the chief, "at how well we've copied your country's legal procedures. You see, we have read accounts of many English trials in your newspapers, and incorporated them into our judicial system."
When the Brit arrived at the wooden constructed courthouse, he was truly amazed to see how closely the African court officials resembled those of England. The counsels were suitably attired in long black robes and the traditional white powdered wigs worn by all British jurists. Each argued his case with eloquence and in proper judicial language. But he couldn't help being puzzled by the occasional appearance of a bare-breasted native girl running through the crowd waving her arms frantically.
After the trial, the anthropologist congratulated his host on more...

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, more...

REAL STORY: A Cork Radio Station in Ireland, 96 FM, was running a competition to find contestants who could come up with words that were not found in any English Dictionary, yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali for a week.
The DJ, Neil, had many callers; the following two, needless to say, stood out:
DJ: 96FM, what's your name?
Caller: Hi, me name's Dave.
DJ: Dave, what is your word?
Caller: Goan: spelled G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an.'
DJ: We are just checking that (pause) and you are correct, Dave, 'goan' is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary. Now, for a trip for two to Bali, can you make a sentence using that word and at the same time making logical sense?
Caller: "Goan fuck yourself!"
At this point, the DJ cut the caller short and announced that there was no place for that sort of language on a family show.
After many more unsuccessful calls, the DJ took the more...

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year-phase in plan that would be known as 'EuroEnglish':
In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard 'c' will be dropped in favor of the 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with the 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 percent shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always more...

There are three guys walking together along the Welsh/English border...a Welshman, a Scot, and an Englishman. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out,' I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes.'

To this, the Scot says' I am a sheep herder. My dad's a sheep herder, his dad was a sheep herder, and my son will be one too. I want my country to be full of lovely sheep farms'...' FOOM!' all the land in Scotland was full of an infinite supply of sheep farms.

The Englishman was amazed. He said' I want a wall around England to keep those damned Scots and Welsh out'...' FOOM!!' there was a wall around England.

The Welshman says' Tell me more about this wall.'

The genie says' Well, its about 200 feet high, 100 feet thick, it goes all around England, and nothing can get in or out.'

After a moment of consideration, the Welshman says' Fill it with water.'

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger, it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future.
This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew." Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"
Over the years, some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant mother, pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed more...