Empire Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two blokes are in a bar on top of the Empire State Building. One says to the other "You know, if you jump off of this building you get sucked in at the 10th floor". The other one laughs and says "No way, man. Prove it"
The first guy agrees and they both go to the edge. He jumps off and whoof! He gets sucked in at the 10th floor. When he gets back to the top the second guy, standing in shock, says "I don't believe it! Let me try".
So the second guy jumps off and splat! He falls to his death. The first guy goes back into the bar. When he gets back there, the bartender tuts and says "You know Superman, you can be a real bastard when your drunk!

* And the empire of the Great Nerd of the West shall crumble, when the thinking machines are destroyed by two millenniums of insects.
* The Anti-Christ will lose in personal combat with a small purple purse-carrying being with a triangle on its head.
* The Empire of the Right shall be led by a simpleton who knoweth not the spelling of the fruits of the earth.
* Women will take fitness advice from a hyperactive frizzy-haired man of questionable heterosexuality.
* A man made of wood will lead the great nation of the eagle.
* Devastation, fire, sword, pillage befalls the Elephant and the two-faced cow known as Linda.
* In a town known as Slidell, in a place called Louisiana, in a country designated the United States, there will be an eatery referred to as Taco Bell, that will eventually fill a drive-thru order correctly.
* The one-gloved king of the land known as Pop will form an unholy union with a particularly naughty chimpanzee.
* Joy and more...

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so
intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen."
"No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a more...

A young man asked a rich old man how he had made his fortune.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was back in 1932, during the depth of the Great Depression. There I was, down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple and spent the better part of the day polishing that apple. At the end of the day, I sold it for ten cents."
"The following morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the whole day polishing them and sold them at 5:30PM for twenty cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I had accumulated a fortune of $8.40."
"And that's how you built your empire?" the young man asked.
"Gracious, no!" exclaimed the old man. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

Star Wars Trilogy (or more soon?) Sexually Tilted Lines
Top 10 sexually tilted lines from Star Wars:
1. She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts kid.
2. Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough.
3. Look at the size of that thing!
4. Sorry about the mess...
5. You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought!
6. Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper.
7. You've got something jammed in here real good.
8. Put that thing away before you get us all killed.
9. Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?
10. Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!
Top 10 Sexually tilted lines from the Empire Strikes Back
1. And I thought they smelled bad on the outside.
2. Possible he came through the south entrance.
3. I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that huh kid.
4. Hurry up, Golden-rod!
5. That's okay, I'd like to keep it on more...

A bleached blonde and a natural blonde were on top of the Empire State Building.
How do you tell them apart?
The bleached blonde would never throw bread to the helicopters.

Statement of fact (anti-English)
The alternative encyclopaedia of Scotland
E is for England
A small irrelevant country which, humourously, thinks itself important. The source of much jollity the world over, England is a strong contender for the Country You Most Love To Hate award. From Mandalay to Mauritius via Timbuktu and Tasmania, everyone hates England. Indeed, England has it within its grasp to bring about global unification just by declaring war on the world. Every nation on earth would unite in the fight.
Strange but true; the reason England thinks it is the centre of the universe is because it won the football {soccer in N America} World Cup in 1966. Though irritating, this would not have mattered too much if it had learned to shut up about it for five minutes. England also had an obscenely big empire which, again, was noteworthy only for how much it annoyed everyone else.
A common misconception is that England lost its empire because the uppity natives more...