Email Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately! Do not open it. Apparently, this one is pretty nasty.
    It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will program your phone's autodial to call only your mother-in-law's number. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer. It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some)to migrate behind your ears. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair more...

    A Few Good SysAdmins

    Hot 3 years ago

    User: I want some answers.
    Administrator: You want answers?
    User: I think I'm entitled to them.
    Administrator: You want answers?
    User: I want the truth!
    Administrator: You can't handle the truth!
    We live in a world that has Computers, and those Computers have to be
    connected by people with a clue.
    Who's gonna do it? You?
    You users make me sick. I have a greater responsibility than you can
    possibly fathom.
    You weep for your email and you curse the local administrator.
    You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that
    this network, while screwed up, and confusing to you, probably saved time.
    And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves time.
    You don't want the truth, because deep down, in places you don't talk about
    at parties, you want us in this office.
    You need us in this office.
    We use words like DNS, LDAP, and SCRIPTS...we use these words as the
    backbone to a more...

    I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.
    I will stop sending email to my roommate.
    I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.
    I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer my email.
    When I subscribe to a news group or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.
    I will stay on the computer as long as I want. What? OK, dear... I'm coming. Never mind.
    No more downloads from alt.binaries.*
    I resolve to back up my new 2 GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps...
    I will spend less than one hour a day on the Net.
    I won't try to get onto the Netscape web site as soon as a new Navigator beta comes out.
    When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I won't reply "MS Tech Support."
    I will read the manual.
    I will think of a password other than "password."
    I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.

    Top 10 Resolutions You Won't Keep This Year (for Nerds)
    10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.
    9. I will stop sending email to my roommate.
    8. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.
    7. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer my email.
    6. When I subscribe to a news group or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.
    5. I will stay on the computer as long as I want. What? OK, dear... I'm coming. Never mind.
    4. No more downloads from alt.binaries.*
    3. I resolve to back up my new 2 GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps...
    2. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Net.
    1. I won't try to get onto the Netscape web site as soon as a new Navigator beta comes out.
    0. When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I won't reply "MS Tech Support."
    -1. I will read the manual.
    -2. I will think of a password more...

    1) You try to enter your password on the microwave.
    2) You now think of three espressos as ''getting wasted.''
    3) You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
    4) You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
    5) You email your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back, ''What's for dinner?''
    6) Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
    7) You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
    8) You didn't give your wife a Valentine's card this year, but you posted one for your email buddies via a Web page.
    9) Your daughter just bought CDs of all the worst records your college roommate used to play.
    10) Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.
    11) You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date. And now sells for half the price you more...

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