Eligible Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Hot 6 years ago

    to: ALL staff
    from: Office of Superintendant
    re: "Teacher In Service Training" schedule (TITS)
    In accordance with recent changes in the State Education Law, our district is now required to supply bigger and better TITS for each employee.
    We are therefore, pleased to announce the implementation of the Special High Intensity Training program (SHIT). It is our intention to give each member of the staff as much SHIT as possible. Advancement, salary increases and job changes will be dependent on the amount of SHIT you have taken.
    Employees who feel they have taken as much SHIT as they can may apply to the School Council for Review of Educational Welfare (SCREW).
    All employees are expected to be SCREW'd at least annually.
    If you have taken SHIT and have been SCREW'd within the past academic year, you will be eligible to receive a Self Help Award for Teachers (SHAFT). Any employee who has been given the SHAFT will not be expected to take as much SHIT the more...

    The Shotgun Constitution

    Hot 5 years ago

    Terminology:
    Shotgun - The rightmost front passenger seat in a vehicle, a prime choice for any passenger, since it is the most comfortable seat, and also because of the psychological advantage of not being forced to subserviently look at the back of another person's head during a trip.
    Enthronement - The physical presence of a person in the Shotgun position.
    By Laws:
    Vehicle Ownership
    The owner of a vehicle, if he/she isn't driving, always gets Shotgun in that vehicle. It is their car, it is their seat and they get it. This is a real bonus for an owner who is falling down drunk. They can rest assured Shotgun is rightfully theirs. They won't have to worry about concentrating through an alcohol-induced haze simply to remember to call Shotgun in their own hard-earned car. Once proper Shotgun "enthronement" rights have been established, they may also be surrendered. If the owner of the vehicle is eligible for Shotgun, but wants to sleep it off in the back more...

    Deranged Marriage

    Hot 5 years ago

    "What are you doing today, oh mother of my children?" queries papa ji. "Well," replies mum ji, "I think I'll get some chores out of the way, like marrying off your son!" "What a great idea." agrees dad. "You do that while I wash the cars!"

    And so the wheels of the' marriage machine' are set in motion. Once moving anyone wishing to stop them is simply steam rolled over! Before long an unsuspecting couple find that it has carried them all the way to the temple. Accompanied by a million voices commanding their every move, they sit cross legged in total bewilderment wondering which order to obey first.



    Evolution of the arranged marriage actually starts as soon as the grades have been achieved, the job secured and the Ford Mondeo acquired. For then, life for the single Asian suddenly shifts into the "eligible" gear. Not only do mum and dad treat you like a prize poodle at Crufts but family more...

    A number of years ago, a wealthy Texas rancher had a daughter who was about marrying age. But the rancher was afraid that someone would try to marry his daughter just for his money. So he decided to throw a party and invite all of the eligible men. At the party everyone was enjoying Texas longhorn steaks, Lone Star beer, etc.
    After a while, the rancher gathered everyone over to his olympic-sized swimming pool. He and his daughter were on one side, all of the eligible men were on the other.
    He announced to the men, "I have filled my pool with alligators, crocodiles, piranha, snakes, and all sorts of man-eating vermin. The first young man to jump in and make it across my pool alive receives 1 of 3 things. He may have 10,000 acres of my finest land, 5,000 head of my finest cattle, or my daughters hand in marriage."
    Immediately a young man was in the pool, arms flailing, feet kicking, and waves splashing all around. He jumped out of the pool, his shirt, jeans, and more...

    Line 1. Butter, a minimum of half a pound (8 oz.), but not to exceed 1 (one)
    pound. (See line 4.)
    Line 2. Sugar, light brown or white, unless you or your spouse
    had a financial account in a foreign country in 1990, in which case
    dark brown sugar must be used. Do not substitute molasses or honey.
    Use 1 (one) cup and adjust to taste.
    Line 3. Eggs, six or half a dozen, whichever is greater.
    Line 4. Semisweet chocolate, 6 oz. Nonfarm families may choose
    the optional method of using cocoa powder. If you elect the Cocoa
    Method, add 1/2 oz. (One Tablespoon) of butter to each 3
    tablespoons of cocoa. Multiply by .9897 per ounce of substitution.
    For adjustments to sugar, see pg. 29. Add total of additional
    butter to Line 1 (above). Sugar adjustments should be reflected in
    final total of Line 2. For additional details on cocoa conversion,
    see Form 551.
    Line 5a. Flour, white. If you were a federal, state or local
    government employee, more...

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