Early Jokes / Recent Jokes

Reasons why high school english teachers retire early.
Actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays:
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
8. The more...

Early one morning, a man noticed his son leaving the house with a bundle of chicken wire. "Where are you off to, son?" asked the father.
"I'm off to catch some chickens," the son answered.
"You can't catch chickens with chicken wire, son," the father said, chuckling.
"Yes I can," insisted the son, as he continued on his way. Sure enough, later in the day, the son returned home with some chickens.
The next morning, the son was leaving the house early again, this time with some duct tape.
"Where are you off to, son?" the father inquired.
"I'm off to catch some ducks," replied the son.
"Son, you can't catch ducks with duct tape," yelled the father.
"Yes I can," argued the son, as he took off down the road. Later in the day, much to the father's surprise, the son returned home carrying a couple of ducks under his arms.
The following morning, the father saw his son leaving more...

Why did the electrician close early on Mondays? Because business was very light.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all work together in an office building. Their female boss always leaves work early. So one day the brunette says, "Lets skip out early today. No one will notice."
So they all leave work early. The brunette goes to a movie, and the redhead goes to a few bars. The blonde though wanted to go home and have sex with her husband.
She arrives home and goes into her bedroom where her husband and her boss are having sex. The blonde quietly slips out the door and runs from her house.
The next day when the brunette suggested they skip work again the blonde replied, "No way! I almost got caught yesterday."

The remaining local ranchers headed by the cattle baroness Clare D Looney
eventually monopolized the stock business to the point where the only
competition( two Chinese immigrants - Lu Chim and Wu Ni) were forced to take
drastic, but traditional action.
The stock kings were hung by Chim & Ni, with Clare.

Those modified sisters maintained strange yearnings from their previous selves
and devised a plan to satisfy their impulses. On Christmas eve they planned to
get Santa stuck in the chimney with his tender parts exposed in the fireplace.
Why?
In hope that St Nick soon would be theirs.
Both by Gary Reeves
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Make out your Chopin Liszt early before Debussy season, when you have time to
check out Verdi good bargains and can still get gifts Faure good price, not
have to Handel large crowds and have time to give Bach things you decide you
don't want.
By Marsha in more...

Morning people: "Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise."
Night people: "Anybody who goes to bed the same day they got up is a quitter."

A radio station routinely paid money for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. Here was one of the winners:

I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist when early one morning I received a call from his office. I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30am. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45 already.

The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, three off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the care and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in.

Knowing the procedure, as we women do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other more...