Distance Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    COYOTE "vs" ACME

    Hot 1 year ago

    In The United States District Court, Southwestern District, Tempe, Arizona Case No. B19293, Judge Lance Ito, PresidingWile E. Coyote, Plaintiff-vs. - Acme Company, DefendantOpening statement of Mr. Harold Schoff, attorney for Mr. Coyote: My client, Mr. Wile E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states, does hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district, and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering caused as a direct result of the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability. Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that company's mail-order department, more...

    The Last Laugh

    Hot 4 years ago

    A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy.
    "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex," she said.
    The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.
    "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
    "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

    Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disasterFeedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.Preprared more...

    Finally, the game of golf is beginning to make sense:
    These rules of golf are for good players whose scores would reflect their true ability, if only they got an even break once in awhile. They were adapted from those proposed by the Union Printers Golf Club in Baltimore and have some appealing provisions:
    A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled in the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball, and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.
    A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably from more...

    I was just stepping into the shower this morning when my SO
    handed me the phone, telling me it was someone from a long
    distance company. I was eager to get into the shower; my
    conversation went like this:
    Me: Hello?
    Him: Hello, sir. I'm from . How would
    you like to save money off your long distance calling?
    Me: If I told you that I was very happy with my current carrier, would
    that preclude any further conversation?
    Him: Actually, no, sir. I have to hear a certain number of "no's" before
    I let you go.
    Me: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
    Him: Have a nice day, sir.

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