Directory Jokes

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    Hacking the jargon jungle

    Hot 8 months ago

    When I went to college in the 1980's, I heard a lot of words like "data input" and "beta version." They confused me. I wanted desperately to know what people were talking about, what Big Secret resided in the computer industry.
    Now that I've worked in a computer company for the last few years, I've gained an insider's perspective. I decided to share my knowledge with the uninitiated by creating the following brief, handy glossary:
    Alpha. Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."
    Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."
    Computer. Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On more...

    CS Rep: LOVE Technical Support.
    Customer: I'm not very technical, but I think I can do it if you talk me through. I am ready to install now. What do I do first?
    CS Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART?
    Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?
    CS Rep: It depends. What programs are running?
    Customer: Let me see... I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.
    CS Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs will prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off?
    Customer: I don't know more...

    I am thy DOS, thou shall have no OS before me, unless Bill Gates
    gets a cut of the profits therefrom.
    Thy DOS is a character based, single user, single tasking,
    standalone operating system. Thou shall not attempt to make DOS
    network, multitask, or display a graphical user interface, for that
    would be a gross hack.
    Thy hard disk shall never have more than 1024 sectors. You don't
    need that much space anyway.
    Thy application program and data shall all fit in 640K of RAM.
    After all, it's ten times what you had on a CP/M machine. Keep holy
    this 640K of RAM, and clutter it not with device drivers, memory
    managers, or other things that might make thy computer useful.
    Thou shall use the one true slash character to separate thy
    directory path. Thou shall learn and love this character, even though
    it appears on no typewriter keyboard, and is unfamiliar.
    Standardization on where that character is located on a computer
    keyboard is more...

    It says: "Press Any Key"
    It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."
    It says: "Press A Key"
    (This one's a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.)
    It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E"
    It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem."
    It says: "Installing program to C:/(Directory)... "
    It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:/windows and c:/windows/system where you'll NEVER find them."
    It says: "Please insert disk 11"
    It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."
    It says: "Cannot read from drive D:... "
    It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up... "
    It says: "Please Wait... "
    It means: "... more...

    It says: "Press Any Key"
    It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."
    It says: "Press A Key"
    (This one's a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.)
    It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E"
    It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem."
    It says: "Installing program to C:Directory..."
    It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:windows and c:windowssystem where you'll NEVER find them."
    It says: "Please insert disk 11"
    It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."
    It says: "Cannot read from drive D:..."
    It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..."
    It says: "Please Wait..."
    It means: "... more...

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