Director Jokes / Recent Jokes

S.H.I.T (Special High)

Hot 4 years ago

Special High Intensity Training - S.H.I.T.
MEMORANDUM
TO: All Employees
FROM: Communications Services
SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained though our Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other office in town.
If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list for special attention.
All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed.
If you think that you have a thorough understanding of the basic S.H.I.T. program, you may wish to participate in Management Of Related Education (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.).
If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in helping us train more...

The story behind this joke:... There's this nutball who digs things out his back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archeological finds. The really weird thing about these letters is that this guy really exists and does this in his spare time! Paleoanthropology DivisionSmithsonian Institute207 Pennsylvania AvenueWashington, DC 20078Dear Sir: Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago. "Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu more...

Died Happy

Hot 7 years ago

A man who had been prescribed Viagra dies "in the act" and rigor mortis has set into his private parts. The funeral director can't get the coffin lid nailed on and has to discuss the alternatives with the man's beautiful young widow. "I'm afraid that the only way to get the lid on is either to pay another $3,000 for an extra large coffin or to amputate his member."
"Well I have no more money," states the widow, "and it is against my religion for me to bury my husband in more than one piece."
The funeral director thinks about this and then comes up with a brain-wave: He'll amputate the member and then stick it up the deceased's backside, in which case a more expensive coffin is unnecessary and the husband will still be, in a manner of speaking, in the one piece. The widow reluctantly agrees.
On the day of the funeral, the deceased is displayed in an open casket. As the mourners file by, one mourner places flowers on the coffin and a more...

A Chance To Shine Again

Hot 5 years ago

A man who was once a great actor found he had a serious problem, he could no longer remember his lines. After many years of searching, he finally found a theatre where they were willing to give him a chance to shine again.
"This is the most important part of the play," the director said, "and it consists of only one line. You must walk onto the stage carrying a rose. You must hold the rose to your nose with only one finger and your thumb, sniff it deeply, and then recite the line... 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress'."
The actor was thrilled. For the entire day prior to the play he practiced his line, over and over again. Finally, the big day came.
The curtain was raised and the actor walked onto the stage. With the greatest of passion, he delivered his line - "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
Suddenly, the audience burst into laughter and the director was fuming. "You damn fool!" cried the director. "You've ruined more...

Arranging a Xmas party

Hot 4 years ago

From: Mickey Hennigan, Human Resources Director
To: Everyone
Date: December 1
Re: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
From: Mickey Hennigan, Human Resources Director
To: Everyone
Date: December 2
Re: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?
From: Mickey Hennigan, Human Resources Director
To: more...

Heroic Patient

Hot 5 years ago

Jack and Don were patients in a mental hospital. As they were walking past the hospital pool one day, Jack suddenly dove into the deep end. He quickly sank to the bottom of the pool and remained there.
Without hesitation, Don jumped into the pool to save him. He swam to the bottom of the pool and pulled Jack out.
Upon hearing of Don's heroic act, the medical director ordered that he be immediately discharged from the hospital as he felt Don was okay and no longer required hospitalization.
"We have good news and bads news for you, Don," the director said. "The good news is we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses. Since you were able to jump into the pool and save another patient, you must be mentally stable."
The director continued, "The bad news is the patient that you saved hung himself and died."
"Oh, he didn't hang himself," Don replied. "I hung him up to dry!"

Writing In The Snow

Hot 1 year ago

One morning Bill Clinton looked out of the Oval Office window and noticed someone had urinated "BILL SUCKS" in the snow. Furious, he ordered the FBI to take handwriting and urine samples from everyone in the White House and find the culprit immediately.
A few days later, the FBI Director called Bill and said, "Mr. President, I have good news and bad news. The good news is the urine belongs to Al Gore."
"And the bad news?" Clinton demanded.
The Director paused for a moment and replied, "Sir, the handwriting is Hillary's!"