Directions Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Swing Set Assembly

    Hot 4 years ago

    A proud father brought home a swing set he had just purchased for his children and immediately began to assemble it, while all the neighborhood children anxiously waited to play on it.
    After several hours of reading the assembly instructions and trying to fit bolt A into slot B, etc., he gave up and called upon an old handyman working in a neighboring yard.
    The old-timer came over, tossed the directions away, and had the set completely assembled in a short period of time.
    "It's beyond me," the father said, "how you managed to get it all put together without even reading the directions."
    "To tell the truth," replied the old-timer, "I can't read, and when you can't read, you've got to think."

    Directions to Grandma's

    Hot 3 years ago

    A grown grandson is going to visit his grandmother who had recently moved to an apartment complex, so he phones her to get directions to her unit.
    "I'm in apartment 908. When you come to the front door of the complex you'll see a large panel at the door. With your elbow, push button 908. Then I'll buzz you in. Enter the lobby and go to the elevator which is on the left. Get in the elevator and with your elbow, push button 9. When you get out of the elevator, look for door number 908 on the right. With your elbow, press my doorbell."
    "That all sounds very easy, Grandma," says the grandson, "but why am I pressing all these buttons with my elbow?"
    "You're coming empty-handed?"

    Tazer Test

    Hot 11 months ago

    Not too long ago, I saw something at the gun and pawn shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 10th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife.
    What I came across was a 100, 000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long term
    adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.
    Needless to say, this was way too cool. Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
    I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get a blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be more...

    Fall of a Building

    Hot 6 years ago

    Q: A blond and a brunette were pushed off a building at the same time. Who hit the ground first?
    A: The brunette because the blonde had to ask for directions.

    Strange Labels

    Hot 2 years ago

    Some items have the strangest directions/ warnings. Here are a few I've noticed.
    On a toilet plunger: Do not use as an umbrella.
    On a carton of milk: May contain dairy products.
    On a tricycle: Will hurt if on top of someone.
    On popcorn: Will pop if heated.
    On candy: Directions: Take of wrapper, insert into mouth, chew, and swallow. (No, really?)
    On bean bags used for juggling: Do not eat.
    On lunchmeat: Do not mistake as toilet paper.
    On Gameboy: To play, you must have a thumb.
    After computer error: Keyboard malfunction, press enter to continue.
    On coke bottle: Do not try to insert head.
    On skateboard: May move if rode on.
    On shampoo bottle: Warning: May create a lather.
    Roadsign: Warning: Unfinished bridge 3 miles.
    *3 miles later* We told you there was an unfinished bridge!

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