Q: A blond and a brunette were pushed off a building at the same time. Who hit the ground first?
A: The brunette because the blonde had to ask for directions.
A proud father brought home a swing set he had just purchased for his children and immediately began to assemble it, while all the neighborhood children anxiously waited to play on it.
After several hours of reading the assembly instructions and trying to fit bolt A into slot B, etc., he gave up and called upon an old handyman working in a neighboring yard.
The old-timer came over, tossed the directions away, and had the set completely assembled in a short period of time.
"It's beyond me," the father said, "how you managed to get it all put together without even reading the directions."
"To tell the truth," replied the old-timer, "I can't read, and when you can't read, you've got to think."
Some items have the strangest directions/ warnings. Here are a few I've noticed.
On a toilet plunger: Do not use as an umbrella.
On a carton of milk: May contain dairy products.
On a tricycle: Will hurt if on top of someone.
On popcorn: Will pop if heated.
On candy: Directions: Take of wrapper, insert into mouth, chew, and swallow. (No, really?)
On bean bags used for juggling: Do not eat.
On lunchmeat: Do not mistake as toilet paper.
On Gameboy: To play, you must have a thumb.
After computer error: Keyboard malfunction, press enter to continue.
On coke bottle: Do not try to insert head.
On skateboard: May move if rode on.
On shampoo bottle: Warning: May create a lather.
Roadsign: Warning: Unfinished bridge 3 miles.
*3 miles later* We told you there was an unfinished bridge!
There is absolutely NO way Santa is female. Here's why:
First, Christmas would be late every year. The line at the department store would never move because Santa would feel the need to "bond" with every kid that sat on her lap. The elves would never get any toys made because they'd be too busy telling her, "No Santa, those red pants do not make you look fat."
What woman would be caught dead in a chimney? Gosh, she might break a nail in there. Also, men don't care if they would get covered with ashes and soot while sliding down the chimney.
And what about Santa's beard? I'm sure you'll agree that most women look significantly better without facial hair. Besides, she-Santa would not go out without makeup.
If Santa was female, she sure wouldn't have white hair. And she would never wear a hat because it would mess up her hair.
The tradition is for cookies and milk to be left for Santa on Christmas Eve. If Santa were a woman, the tradition more...
How to make a fruitcake!:
1 C water
1 C sugar
4 large eggs
2 C dried fruit
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1 C brown sugar
1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey
1. Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
2. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.
3. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
4. Turn on the electric mixer; beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
5. Add one tsp. sugar and beat again.
6. Be sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup.
7. Turn off the mixer.
8. Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
9. Mix on the turner.
10. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
11. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
12. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares.
13. Check the whiskey.
14. Now sift the lemon more...