Dildo Jokes / Recent Jokes

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man.
"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except..." said the old man, and then he stopped.
"Except what?" asked the businessman.
"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.
"C'mon, tell me! I more...

Q: What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
A: They are both used as substitute meat.

A rich man and a poor man are talking about what they gave their wives for Valentine's Day.

The rich man says "I got my wife a Mercedes and a 3 CRT. diamond ring."

The poor man says "Why did you get her both?"

"Because if she doesn't like one she always has the other...what did you get your wife?"

The poor man replies, "I got her slippers and a dildo."

The rich man says "Why did you get her a dildo?"

The poor man says, "So if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go f*ck herself."

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he’d buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.
He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.
He explained his situation. The old man said, “Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except-” and he stopped.
“Except what? ” the man asked.
“Nothing, nothing. ”
“C’mon, tell me! I need something! ”
“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis. more...

A woman has been married to her husband for ten years, and for all those ten
years her husband insisted on making love in the dark. No matter how much she
asked him, he would never turn the lights on.
One night she grew tired of this and turned on the light while they were making
love and saw that he was using a dildo on her.
She says, "Honey, how could you do this! All this time you've never told me.
Explain yourself immediately!"
The husband says, "Okay, I'll explain, but first you have to explain the kids."

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. (For joke purposes, let's ignore what he might do while on his trip: -) ) So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.
He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, more...

What did the dildo say to the banana?
answer: What you shakin for she aint gonna eat you..