Dictionary Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been
promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after,
they're out for a walk and Leroys says, "Hey, Jasper,
there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in."
"But we's privates," protests Jasper. "We's
sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside.
"Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me
a drink." "But we's privates," says Jasper.
"You blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at
his stripes. "We's sergeants now." So they
have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up
to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and
I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea."
Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper,
go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means.
If it's okay, give me the okay sign." So Jasper
goes to look it up, comes back, and more...

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do' tug' boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't' expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a' wise man' and a' wise more...

A little koala bear wanders into a whorehouse. He climbs the stairs and finds a door open. He goes in to the room to find a naked prostitute asleep on the bed. He quickly climbs into the bed and begins performing oral sex on the prostitute. She wakes up shocked and sees this koala bear going down on her, and she decides that since it feels so good she'll let him finish. The koala finishes, wipes his chin, climbs off the bed and heads for the door. The prostitute jumps up and yells at him "Hey, you have to pay for that". The koala shrugs and continues to head for the door. The prostitute yells at him again, "Hey you have to pay for that. I'm a prostitute". She gets up and pulls a dictionary off a shelf and shows the koala the definition. PROSTITUTE (n) a person receiving payment for sexual services. The koala shrugs, takes the dictionary and turns the pages to the definition of koala bear. KOALA (n.) a small bear that eats bushes and leaves.

Two Frenchmen came to New York for a vacation. The first thing they did leaving the hotel was to buy an American-French dictionary. Without a guide, they decided to learn English word by word in the simplest way they could think of - continuously browsing through the dictionary, picking at random a certain word and look up its definition.
So they went into a coffee shop and started off right away. The first word they came upon happened to be "Ouch" which was defined as "an interjection used to express a mixed feeling of surprise, sudden pain and anger." It was then that they suddenly realized they did not have the slightest idea what those cryptic pronunciation symbols might sound like. Thinking hard, one of the Frenchmen finally came up with a bright idea:
"Well, don't worry, mon ami. I suppose the best way for us to learn how to pronounce that word is to get a native say it out loud!"
"But how? I'm afraid nobody in this busy town is more...

Parent's Dictionary of Meanings

DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.

TOP BUNK: where you should more...

Luke was talking to his fiancée, Rebecca, and he said, “Be honest, now, baby. How am I as a lover? ”
To which she replied, “Honey, I would definitely say that you’re warm. ”
“Really? ” he said excitedly.
“Yes, in fact I would say that you’re the dictionary definition of the word ‘warm’. ”
Luke was pleased until he went home and, just for fun, checked his dictionary and found, “WARM: Not so hot. ”

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish.............................. 49
Adventurous..................... Slept with all your friends
Athletic............................ No boobs
Average looking................. Ugly
Beautiful........................... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile................ Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure.............. On medication
Feminist............................ Fat
Free spirit.......................... Junkie
Friendship first................... Former slut
Fun.................................. Annoying
Gentle.............................. Dull
New Age........................... Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded..................... Desperate
Outgoing........................... Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate........................ Sloppy drunk
Poet................................. Depressive
Professional....................... more...