Dictionary Jokes / Recent Jokes

Did you know that "verb" is a noun?
How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can't spell them?
If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?
If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren't two houses hice?
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
If you've read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn't this also mean that you would have to "member" somebody in order to remember them?
In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same?
Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?
Is there another word for a synonym?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
What is another word for "thesaurus"?
Where do swear words come from?
Why can't you make another word using all the letters in more...

PANDA WALKS INTO A BAR...
A panda walked into a bar and went up to the barman and said: "I want a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please." The barman took his order and the Panda went to sit down at a table. Soon, a waiter took over the meal, the Panda gobbled it up, thanked, tipped the waiter and paid his bill.
All seemed normal until the Panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter dead.
The barman rushed over and said: "Argh! You just shot my friend!!!" The Panda calmly replied: "Do you know what I am?" "Of Course I do," the barman answered, "you're a Panda!" "Good," the Panda replied, "now go home and look me up in the dictionary." And with that, the Panda walked out of the bar.
The barman was a little unsure, but he was very eager to be enlightened on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary and after a while he more...

Parent's Dictionary of MeaningsDUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblingsPUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar more...

Pregnancy humor which I lifted from Joyce Armor's 1989 book The Dictionary According to Mommy.
afterpainsa chance to relive the highlights of your labor.
amnesiathe condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
anestheticthe painkiller that crazy women refuse during labor.
bladderthe only part of Mommy that Baby flattens like a pancake during the last few weeks of pregnancy.
constipationNature's way of making pregnant women practice pushing.
due-datewhat only seems light-years away.
eating for twoa nice way to say "pigging out."
false laborall stressed up and nowhere to go.
forcepsgiant baby tweezers.
hard labora redundancy, like "working mother."
hospitalthe last place Mommy will get to rest until the next time she gives birth.
impregnablea woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
labor coachthe person who reminds you to breathe during labor.
misconceptiona pregnancy that more...

Santa was talking to his fiancee, Jeeto, and he said, "Be honest, how am I as a lover?"
To which Jeeto replied, "Honey, I would definitely say that you're warm."
"Really?" Santa said excitedly.
"Yes, in fact I would say that you're the dictionary definition of the word 'warm'."
Santa was pleased until he went home and, just for fun, checked his dictionary and found, "WARM: Not so hot."

Sex Dictionary
Backed Up - Glandular condition that men get from not having sex.
Bad Breaker Upper - Someone who ends a relationship by saying those mean things that people don't mean, but means them.
Home Bed Advantage - The confident feeling one gets while making love in one's own surroundings.
"
It didn't take"
- George's explanation for Susan's short-lived experimentation with lesbianism.
The "
It's-not-you-it's-me"
routine - Breakup method to which George lays claim.
Love - A spice with many tastes, according to Newman.
Make up Sex - The best feature of a heavy relationship; eclipsed only by "
conjugal-visit sex"
.
Master of your Domain - One who can refrain from masturbation. (Also: Lord of the Manor, King of the County, Queen of the Castle.)
Public Fornicator - A porn actor.
Put in - The length of time one has to keep up a relationship after a sexual liaison. Elaine suggests three more...

Thanks to Jim from Florida for the Joke.
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. After eating the sandwich, he pulls out a gun, shoots the waiter, and prepares to leave.
The manager shouts, "Where are you going? You ate your food, shot my waiter, and now you're leaving without paying!"
The panda responds, "I am a panda - that's what pandas do. If you don't believe me, look it up."
With that, the panda slammed a dictionary on the table and exited the restaurant.
The manager, being curious, grabbed the dictionary and checked the definition for a panda. He read, "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."