Dictionary Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been
promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after,
they're out for a walk and Leroys says, "Hey, Jasper,
there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in."
"But we's privates," protests Jasper. "We's
sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside.
"Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me
a drink." "But we's privates," says Jasper.
"You blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at
his stripes. "We's sergeants now." So they
have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up
to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and
I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea."
Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper,
go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means.
If it's okay, give me the okay sign." So Jasper
goes to look it up, comes back, and more...

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" mean the same thing as "slim chance"?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it call "after dark" when it is really "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" more...

A cat's dictionary.
Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.
Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty.
Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something.
Human Being: Automatic door opener for cats.
Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines.
Purrson: A male kitty.
Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.

A Dictionary of common dating terminology
the act of associating horniness with a particular person.
what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy on people they meet.
the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.
a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her more...

A little koala bear wanders into a whorehouse. He climbs the stairs and finds a door open. He goes in to the room to find a naked prostitute asleep on the bed. He quickly climbs into the bed and begins performing oral sex on the prostitute. She wakes up shocked and sees this koala bear going down on her, and she decides that since it feels so good she'll let him finish. The koala finishes, wipes his chin, climbs off the bed and heads for the door. The prostitute jumps up and yells at him "Hey, you have to pay for that". The koala shrugs and continues to head for the door. The prostitute yells at him again, "Hey you have to pay for that. I'm a prostitute". She gets up and pulls a dictionary off a shelf and shows the koala the definition. PROSTITUTE (n) a person receiving payment for sexual services. The koala shrugs, takes the dictionary and turns the pages to the definition of koala bear. KOALA (n.) a small bear that eats bushes and leaves.

A man was searching the dictionary for the word 'Dictionary'. He found this meaning: Dictionary is the thing you are holding, Stupid. Wondering what the definition of stupid was, he searched for the word stupid, he found: Is that you again?

Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. -Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it will always do it. -Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. -Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
Alliance, n.: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third.
-Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Boundary, n.: In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another. -Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Peace, n.: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting. -Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's more...