Desire Jokes / Recent Jokes

Once upon a time, there lived two brothers - elder one named "Da Niu" (Big Cow), younger one called "Xiao Niu" (Little Cow). They were both English educated. Da Niu could not understand Chinese at all while Xiao Niu managed to write some simple sentences. There lived one lady - a very very pretty and sexy Chinese lady opposite their flat. Both brothers were hungry to "eat" this lady, but they kept their desire to themselves. Finally, Da Niu disclosed to Xiao Niu his lustful desire for this lady and requested Xiao Niu to write this lady a loveletter on behalf of himself. Definitely, Xiao Niu was upset and tried to sabotage his brother. So Xiao Niu wrote a note and flew it over to the lady: "Da Niu Bi Jiao Lan" (Da Niu is lazier). To Xiao Niu surprise, this did not make the lady disappointed about Da Niu but instead she so delighted when she saw this note and immediately hooked herself to Da Niu. Guess why? The lady has read sentences from right more...

One day a red-head, a burnette and a blond were walking on the beach when the trip over a magic mirrior.
This little face pops out at them and says if the can tell him one true thrue thing about themselves they can have anyhting they desire.
But if they lie he will turn them into a frog. So the red-head goes first,"I think I am the smartest person in the world."
The mirrior said that she could have anything she disired and she wanted a thousand dollars and she got it.
Now it was the burnettes turn and she said,"I think I am the second smartest person in the world" and the mirrior she could have anything she disired. She wanted a million dollars and she got it.
Finally it was the blondes turn. She stepped up to the mirrior and said,"Let me get this straight, all I gotta do is say one true thing about myself and then I get what ever I desire.
The mirrior said that that was correct, but if it was a lie he would turn her into a frog. She more...

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime. LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former. LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down. LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe. LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor. more...

No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summmer and, eventually, a lifetime. Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former. Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down. No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe. The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instuctor. Every par-three hole in the world has a more...

CHOCOLATE By John Scalzi Chocolate is God's way of reminding men how inadequate they are. I am vividly confronted with this fact every time my wife and I go out to a restaurant. When it gets to dessert, my wife usually orders the most chocolate-saturated dessert possible: It's the one called "Unstoppable Double-Fudge Chocolate Mudslide Explosion" or some such thing. I always wonder why anyone would want to eat anything that promises a catastrophic natural disaster in your mouth. The dark brown monstrosity arrives at the table, and my wife takes the first bite. Before the fork is even removed from her mouth, a small moan escapes her lips. Her eyes, previously perfectly aligned, first cross slightly and then faze completely, pupils dilating in pure chocolate pleasure before the eyelids clamp down in ecstasy. The hand not holding the fork clenches into a fist and starts pounding the table. The silverware rattles. After about six minutes of this, she finally manages to swallow more...

This recipe has been around for many years in many fashions but in recent years for some reason has fallen out of favor. Here we shall return to a true classic dish of alternative fine dining. The list of ingredients is as follows: 1 reindeer, appx. 125-175 lbs., skinned, dressed (though not in a tux; ha, ha) and head mounted if you so desire. 6-9 Christmas elves cleaned and finely diced, appx. 8 lbs. useable weight. 8 lbs. celery, finely chopped. 8 lbs. onions, finely chopped. 8 lbs. carrots, finely diced. 1 gallon vodka to numb the elves before you peel them and dice them. 32 lbs. dry bread crumbs. 3 gallons chicken stock. salt, pepper, to taste. Fresh garlic, 1-6 lbs. as you desire. 3-4 gallons of olive oil for basting the roasting reindeer. Saute' the onions, carrots, and celery ina large pan, using some olive oil, until tender.
Brown the diced elves in the same pan until lightly browned. Mix the vegetables, elves, bread crumbs, and the chicken stock, season to taste with more...

Dear Shrink,

It haunted me for days, weeks, months, years. I couldn’t sleep at night. The sleep I got was full of nightmares and visions.

I fought bout after bout, fight after fight, with plagues of depression and insomnia; paranoia! Just the thought vexed me night after night, day after day.

I served stints in mental institutions, was even suicidal. Not even the normal 1-2 punch of Prozac and Zoloft would help.

Who would think that such a terrible and utterly disgusting act of cruelty and injustice could exist? Exist here in the United States of America, the land of the free the home of the Braves?

I could see a terrible wrong like this happening in third world anarchies, but here? The only place in the world where you can buy a six piece chicken McNugget and redeem 250 UPC symbols for a blue, red, and white basketball all on the same day!

I can still hear their merciless, nerve wrecking, voices; taunting him. They more...