Dealings Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    (Be read when using the Willy voice in your head)

    SUBJ: Clinton's Address to the Nation

    Text from Clinton's Address to the Nation if he were on truth serum.
    10. 16 P. m. ET (0216 GMT) August 17, 1998

    Good evening.

    This afternoon in this room, from this chair, in this very spot, I was forced to testify before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury.

    I answered their questions truthfully whenever there was compelling physical evidence that would contradict my lies, including questions about having sex while watching an intern do kinky things that I now spin as being part of my private life, questions so embarrassing that no American citizen would ever want to answer.

    Still, the polls indicate that I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight and not ducking questions while the Marine Band plays loudly and drowns out the more...

    Dear Bank Manager,
    I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.
    You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.
    No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in the second half of 1999, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can more...

    You are working on your family genealogy and for sake of example, let's say that your great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.
    A cousin has supplied you with the only known photograph of Remus, showing him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture are the words:
    "Remus Starr: Horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison, 1885. Escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged, 1889."
    Pretty grim situation, right? But let's revise things a bit. We simply crop the picture, scan in an enlarged image and edit it with image processing software so that all that is seen is a head shot.
    Next, we rewrite the text:
    "Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana more...

    Dear Bank Manager,I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in
    place for eight years.You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2005, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater more...

    The History of Santa Claus - Part 1
    ======================
    == The Untold Story ==
    ======================
    1689
    Spanish-German explorer Santa Claus discovers the North Pole, and
    establishes a small base camp.
    1691
    Because of harsh and meager living conditions, Claus' crew
    abandons him.
    1692
    Claus is rescued by the Viking ship Hvorfor. He returns to Europe,
    bringing some items along with him from the North Pole. He finds
    he is able to sell them quite easily, making a small profit.
    1703
    Claus saves up enough money to buy a small ship and crew, and
    returns to the North Pole. Upon arriving, he finds his base camp,
    half-buried but still intact.
    1704
    Claus returns to Europe with a shipload of North Pole artifacts,
    and is successful in selling them. He makes enough profit to
    increase his crew, and buys building materials to expand his polar
    base.
    1705
    Claus returns again to more...

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