Dealer Jokes / Recent Jokes

Order: Is each here? Does each have his opposite?
Chaos: I am here, but my opposite is you.
Order: Huh?
Evil: Don't let him bug ya'. We're here.
Truth: My opposite is not here.
Good: Is your opposite "Lies"?
Truth: My opposite is "Void". He couldn't make it.
Evil: snicker Figures!
Order: Agh! How are we going to seat five! This table is made for six!
Evil: Just take out his chair and move over. Sheesh!
Good: I have the cards.
Evil: I've got the chips.
Truth: I have the beer.
Chaos: I have the cards!
Order: Shut up.
...
Order: Whose deal is it?
Evil: Do ya' gotta ask that EVERY time?
Truth: It is Good's deal.
Good: OK, five card draw...uh, everything is wild.
Evil: How can anyone win if everything is wild?
Good: No ONE can win, but we all can call ourselves winners if...
Order: I like this game.
Evil: This is pointless.
Truth: It is time to deal.
Good: Here we go! more...

The four men at the card table were being bothered by an irritating kibitzer. When the troublesome talker stepped into the next room to mix a drink, one of the players suggested, "This next hand let's make up a game nobody ever heard of-he won't know what the hell we're playing and maybe that will shut him up."
When the kibitzer returned, the dealer tore the top two cards in half and gave them to the man on his right: he tore the corners off the next three cards and placed them before the next player, face up; he tore the next five cards in quarters, gave fifteen pieces to the third man, four to himself and put the last piece in the center of the table.
Looking intently at four small pieces of card in his hand, the dealer said, "I have a mingle, so I think I'll bet a dollar."
The second man stared at the pasteboards scattered before him. "I have a snazzle," he announced, "so I'll raise you a dollar."
The third man folded more...

One day, farmer Williams was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a
bucket and an anvil. Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, he now had a problem, how to carry all of his purchases home? The livestock dealer said: "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm "Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.

While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked: "Can you tell me how to get to 123 Township
Road?" The farmer said: "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 123 Township Road. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time"
The little old lady said: "How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" The farmer said: "Holy more...

Randy wondered why Willie really wasn't well.
Sam saw six shiny silver spoons.
Giddy gophers greedily gobble gooey goodies.
Slippery slimy snakes slide slowly.
Six shiny snails sighed sadly.
Pretty Patty Piggy pickles plump pink peppers.
Cheryl say Cher's sheer shawl Sunday.
Six seals slick sick seals.
How much dope could the dope dealer deal if the dope dealer could deal dope?
Sheep shouldn't sleep in shacks.
I slitted a sheet, a sheet i slit now i sit on the sheet i slit.
I wish I had an Irish wrist watch to watch on my Irish wrist.
Stick a sticker where its sticky where a sticker once was stuck.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore
Sure, the ship's ship-shape sir!
Does the wristwatch shop shut soon?

(Order): Is each here? Does each have his opposite?
(Chaos): I am here, but my opposite is you.
(Order): Huh?
(Evil): Don't let him bug ya'. We're here.
(Truth): My opposite is not here.
(Good): Is your opposite "Lies"?
(Truth): My opposite is "Void". He couldn't make it.
(Evil): )snicker( Figures!
(Order): Agh! How are we going to seat five! This table is made for six!
(Evil): Just take out his chair and move over. Sheesh!
(Good): I have the cards.
(Evil): I've got the chips.
(Truth): I have the beer.
(Chaos): I have the cards!
(Order): Shut up.
...
(Order): Whose deal is it?
(Evil): Do ya' gotta ask that EVERY time?
(Truth): It is Good's deal.
(Good): OK, five card draw... uh, everything is wild.
(Evil): How can anyone win if everything is wild?
(Good): No ONE can win, but we all can call ourselves winners if...
(Order): I like this game.
(Evil): more...

The following is an actual letter of complaint which I grabbed off the
net many years ago (when it used to be called net.jokes, if you can
remember that long ago!) Unfortunately, I don't have the original
source anymore. Note the date sent and the prices quoted.
Atlanta, Georgia
September 13, 1970
Director
Billing Department
Shell Oil Company
P.O. Box XXXX
Tulsa, Oklahoma 74102
Dear Sir:
I have been a regular customer of the Shell Oil Company for several
years now, and spend approximately $40.00 per month on Shell products.
Until recently, I have been completely satisfied with the quality of
Shell products and with the service of Shell employees.
Included in my most recent statement from your department was a bill
for $12.00 for a tire which I purchased at the Lowell I. Reels Shell
station in McAdenville, N.C. I stopped at this station for gasoline
and to have a timing malfunction corrected. The gasoline cost more...

This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chain saw shop and asks about various chaiin saws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chain saw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."

So, the man takes the chain saw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chain saw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.

The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut more...