Dallas Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    A guy walks into a bar in Argentina. He sees a familiar character, albeit much older now, sitting at the bar. He approaches, examines his face, and asks:
    "Excuse me, but aren't you Adolf Hitler?"
    "Vy yes, I am Adolf Hitler."
    "But I thought you were dead!"
    "Ach. I get a lot of dat. But in fact, I am chust biding my time, planning a scheme to kill fifty million Jews and eight of der Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders."
    "What?" the guy exclaims. "Why would you want to kill eight of the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders?"
    Hitler turns to another fellow sitting at the bar next to him. "You see vat I mean? Nobody gives a damn about da Jews!!!"

    Survivor, Texas style

    Hot 6 years ago

    A major network is planning the show "Survivor 2" this winter. In response, Texas is planning "Survivor, Texas Style." The contestants will start in Dallas, travel through Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland/Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they proceed to Abilene, and on to Ft. Worth and back to Dallas.
    Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns."
    The first one to make it back to Dallas wins.

    The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:
    I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
    I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response... click.
    A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state."
    I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from more...

    A Texan went up to the airline check-in counter and boomed, "Howdy, ma'am. My name's Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah'm from Dallas, Texas. Ah'm 6-foot 3-inches tall. Ah'm white from th' top of mah head to th' tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish."
    Well, she didn't know what else to do, so she took his ticket and showed him onto the plane.
    He sat down in his seat, and turned to the fellow next to him, "Howdy, suh. My name's Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah'm from Dallas, Texas. Ah'm 6-foot 3-inches tall. Ah'm white from th' top of mah head to th' tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish."
    The little fellow turned to him, "Well now, how d'ye do. My name is Patrick Michael O'Donnell. I'm from Dublin, Ireland. I'm 5-foot 6- inches tall, and I'm white from the top o' me head to the tip o' me toes, except for my rectum, which is brown. Spelled B-R-O-W-N."

    God speaks through billboards. New public service billboards created by a Dallas advertising agency (don't know exactly who?) are getting big attention in Dallas AND in the awards annuals. Here's a list of the variations of the "God Speaks" billboards. The billboards are a simple black background with white text. No fine print or sponsoring organization is included...
    Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game.-God
    C'mon over and bring the kids. -God
    What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand?-God
    We need to talk. -God
    Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. -God
    Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage. -God
    That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it. -God
    I love you and you and you and you and... -God
    Will the road you're on get you to my place? -God
    Follow me. -God
    Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding. -God
    My way is the highway. -God
    Need directions? more...

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