Two brothers, 8 and 6 years old, were getting ready for breakfast when the older brother said, "I think we're old enough to start using cuss words like grown-ups, so when we go eat breakfast, let's use some cuss words. I'll say, "Hell", and you say, "Fat Ass." They agreed and went to breakfast.
After sitting down, their mother asked the 8-year-old what he wanted for breakfast. He replied, "Oh Hell, I think I will have some Cheerios." "What did you say?" his mother yelled. She went over and slapped him so hard that he fell out of his chair. She picked him up off the floor, dragged him to his room, and slammed the door.
When she got back in the kitchen, the 6-year-old was sitting there wide-eyed. She asked sharply, "Now young man what do you want for breakfast?" he stuttered and said, "I don't know but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!!"
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent: Oil Change $20. 00 Coffee $1. 00 Total $21. 00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50. 00.
2) Stop by liquor store and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20. 00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. Jack car up.
5) Find jack stands under kids pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms more...
A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.
"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"
The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."
The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."
The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started." The preacher said, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been more...
You look older than you really are. You're racist. Your parents are scared of anyone that is black. Your parents dog on Mexicans and Blacks You know you're superior to other Asians. Your parents think you're 12 when you're really 18. When you go out to buy clothes you have to buy them 3 sizes too big for you to grow in and for any younger brother or sister to have for Christmas a few years down the line. At least one of your parents are in a self owned business like Laundromat, Nails, or Apartments. If they own apartments they rent only to Asian families... never blacks. Guys: you sit on your butt all day. Girls: you do everything while your man sits on his butt. Guys: you have a nice variety of white and black shirts, blue and black jeans and slacks. You cuss out anyone in Vietnamese that gets you pissed off. Your parents think you're the worst kid. Your parents compare you to 4. 5 nerds and call you stupid. You watch Vietnamese translated movies that are 30 tapes long. You listen to more...